one weird year

coming to an end.  And a new one opening up all its possibilities to me.  Kind of exciting to see what I can do in one year.  After learning new things about myself at the end of this year, what will I do about it in the coming one?
I have no resolutions written down on paper, just my mind.  I didn't buy exercise clothes to not use them.  I didn't buy inventory for work to not sell it.  I didn't accept a new part of me not to act on it.  Do I have the guts to change?  DO I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL?
Why not.
There's no reason for me not to say - ME TOO!  Just go out and grab it.  It's there waiting for me.  Life is possible!
I will end this sad year on a "possible" vibe, ready for tomorrow.  Bring It On!

people just don't understand

and have always assumed I'm stuck up.  When really it's just that I'm shy and awkward around people.  I never know what to say.  And some people make my brain just close down all together.  And that sucks.  I just want to be able to talk to her.  I wish I knew what to say.  I'm tired of this fear gripping me, wrapping around me so tight, until I look like I don't want to have anything to do with her, which is the furthest thing from my mind.
I don't feel like I have anything to offer her, either.  She has friends, so she doesn't need that from me.  Probably wouldn't want it, either.  She doesn't need makeup, so work is out.  And she doesn't need love.  I'm sure there are already plenty of people who love her, aside from her family.  She has no need of me.
Last night was absolutely fantastic!  And yet, I still couldn't say anything to her.
Of course I'm crying right now and feeling lame and pathetic.  If I had a tenth of my mom's talking ability I could be okay.  But I don't even have a hundredth.  I know I'm going to start shaking soon.  Knowing I'll be around her.
And she is beautiful.

I'll start off by saying -

I'm not a cutter.  I've thought about it.  But it all comes down to me being a wuss.
Talking to people today has brought up different opinions.  I don't feel like I'm being acted upon by my negative emotions, which is usually what's behind my erratic behavior.  I know I've gone through a lot lately, but I don't feel that's what's going on here.
One friend says it's the devil.  And that's most likely. 
One thinks it could be my circumstances, the Borderline in me.  And that's very possible.
But I've felt both of those before.  I know what they feel like.  This doesn't feel the same.  At all.
I'm so full of her.  She's beautiful and vibrant, adventurous . . . everything I'm not.  I want to know everything about her.  Including the things I shouldn't want to know about her.
And, yes, I feel guilty.  Guilty that I have these bad thoughts about her and she doesn't even know, can't do anything about it.  I feel guilty that this goes against everything I've ever been taught and everything I believe to be true.  And I feel guilty that I'm choosing it.  I know there are things I could do to help myself, to help me not think about her; but I don't want to.  I'm choosing sin.
I love thinking about her.  I love looking at her.  If one moment in my life had not happened, I would not know her.  But I did miscarry, so I played volleyball this season.  And found her.  Part of me believes in fate.  And she makes me happy.  I'm attracted to her in all ways.  Not that anything will ever come of this.  As I've told people, it's not like I can even manage to squeak out a "hi".  I can't even ask her to try make-up, which she doesn't need!, so it's not like I'll be propositioning her.
And as happy as she makes me, I feel despair.  What if I never saw her again?  What if she found out and said "hell no"?  I rarely think I'm pretty.  I know she sees the same face I do when I look in the mirror.  She can see my body.  Why would she want any part of me?  It hurts.  And it's these times that I contemplate cutting myself.

an interesting year

indeed.  I would have never expected the changes in myself or my husband or our family dynamic.  From something horrible to something really bad to something that I can't yet define.  But it's good!
And I love her.  Something I would have told you would never happen.  COULD NEVER happen.  Good, church-going, Mormon girls don't love other girls.  They don't fantasize and want to do naughty things with them, either.  But I do.  And to answer the question - if I had the chance to even be with her, I would take it.  Even if that meant hell.  I can't explain it.  I couldn't if I tried.
But she would have to want me and that is something I don't hold my breath for.  Why would she?
But I hold out a little hope.  And have decided to change my life.  TO go back to things I used to do, things I used to enjoy.  I used to like riding my brother's bike.  I used to be good at running.  I'm tired of being the fat blob that I am.  I want to keep my hourglass figure, just make it smaller.  I used to be skinny.  I can be that again.  It will just take self-discipline.  And she's worth it.  She's worth everything good.  And that also keeps me torn.  DO I really wish hell for her just so I can be with her?  How can I say I love her and condemn her to that?
I'm selfish.  And saying I love her doesn't make it any more okay.  But I do anyway ♥

something new

It's my fault my life is new.  And it's not a good or bad thing, necessarily.  I guess you never really know someone until you change and find out if that's ok or not.  My change doesn't sit well with me.  It started out with confessions, things I wasn't sure would be ok, and has spiraled out of control since.  Not sure if we like each other anymore.  Not sure what to expect from this, either.  It doesn't matter which road I take, I will end up disappointing someone.  Not that this is anything new, but I'm tired of it.  It's not like the main part of it would ever happen.  It's dictated by someone who doesn't even know what game they're playing.  I don't confess to any thought you might have about what I'm talking about.  It's mine to figure out now.  Even in no-win situations, you still have to play the game.  I wish I was more like Capt. Kirk - "I don't believe in no-win situations."
So as I step through the door, I have no clue what will be waiting for me on the other side: HELL or lonely.

original

October 2-4 was when I should have been expecting my baby.  I'm trying to keep myself busy, but that doesn't keep my mind from creeping back to what should be going on in my life right now.  I shouldn't be playing volleyball this season because I'm supposed to be too pregnant to play and it would be dangerous.  I would gladly sit out this season for my baby.  I went to a Scentsy party.  I shouldn't have been able to go, I should have been in labor.  I shouldn't be going to the zoo with my family tomorrow, I should be in the hospital loving my new baby.  Everyone around me is having babies and I'm happy for them, but I want to be happy for me.  And I know I've said it before, but it's not fair!
Will there come a day that I don't think about my angel?  I hope not.  But I hope it doesn't always hurt like this.

tonight

I got to go to the soccer game.  Trying to “move on” with my life.  Not only does that thought make me sick, but it’s not possible.  There’s no way to just move on, it’s just living differently, knowing nothing will ever be the same again.  Not really.  Even now that we’re back to our regular pattern, it’s different.  Tonight, a dad was carrying his cute daughter up the bleachers.  I cried.  That will never happen for us.  I miss my little girl.  I know I talk to her, but I want her to be here with me.  I want to be able to hold her.  I will never be the same.

i just don't know

where to begin.  I feel sad.  I feel so much more but I don't know how to put it down.  Monday night was the worst night of my life to date.  I lost my baby after ten weeks of bonding.  But those ten weeks were enough.  There are so many things I didn't know about this little person that I was looking forward to spending my life finding out and now I don't get that chance.
Was it my fault?  Did I do something wrong?
It's not fair!  I went through a lot to get this baby, and to not even get the chance to see this baby - Well that's not entirely true.  I did get to see my baby.  As I pulled its tiny little body from the toilet and put it in a cup, I did see the little toes and fingers and eyes all inside the protective sac.  Protected from everything except my body.  The body that was supposed to give it life.  And instead killed it.
And it's not going to get any easier as I now get to tell all the people who were so happily anticipating this baby with me.  Sometimes I think it's easier to grieve alone.  My eyes hurt and it's only the first day of grieving.
If I didn't have my faith I would be much worse off.  But even though I know where my baby is and that it's being taken care of, it doesn't help the loss I feel.  The emptiness.  The heartache.  And I know my baby knows that I love it and will never forget it and that I'm sorry.  But that doesn't ease my guilt.
We'll be having a tiny funeral.  Bury it next to my brother's kitten so it won't be alone.  I know the souls aren't there anymore.  I know they've moved on to be with Jesus.  But I also know it's a safe little place that won't be disturbed.
I wish I would have known if it was a boy or a girl so I could give it its proper name.  Maybe I'll just call it Angel, since that is what it is.

poor me . . .

still unmotivated and now I'm sick on top of that.  Last Thursday, I got a sore throat.  Since then, it has gotten severely worse.  Stupid holiday weekend prevented me from getting into a doctor until today.  I hope they can do something for me, because I can't eat anything solid and even drinking/swallowing anything kills me.  I can't even take pills to help with the pain because they would get stuck in my throat.  It's gotten so bad it's affecting my ear, too.  I'm miserable.  I hope this doesn't affect my baby.  I can't exercise because that would make me need to swallow.  I've been afraid of passing this to my son and husband, but so far it only looks like Jameson's got a cold.
I hurt :(

not good

since finding out I was pregnant, I've put on 11 pounds.  UGH!  I haven't changed my eating and I've been exercising more than I used to (which was nothing).  So what gives?  I guess I'll figure out something more next week.  I wish I could get morning sickness and not feel hungry.  I might have to go to the store and get some cup of soup and boca burgers.  That way I can still eat but not take in very many calories.  My goal is to lose weight this pregnancy.
I've been so unmotivated lately.  My business isn't going anywhere, neither is my writing.  I haven't been feeling up to anything.  Not even going out and going shopping.  I think I might be depressed.  I don't like this feeling.  It's all I can do not to just sit around and dream all day, but even the little I do is boring and meaningless.  And my house is freezing!  I don't dare change the heat for fear we'll go bankrupt paying for it.  I hope I get over this soon and get back to myself.

so -

I haven't been very 'with it' on my blogging this past week and I'll go ahead and blame that on my husband who took a week off from work.  My whole schedule has been crazy.  On Friday, I found out I'm pregnant!  YAY ME!  We've been trying since my son was about 1.  So I've been riding a high all weekend and it was capped off by my Packers winning the Super Bowl!  I'm so happy right now!
I exercised this morning.  Felt good to be active again and it will help the baby.  Last time, I didn't have anywhere to go so I sat on my bed all day.  UGH!  I gained so much weight.  Not this time, though!  I'm going to be better.  I did weigh in at 219, but considering what I ate last night and the fact that it's midday and not the morning - not too shabby.  I'll give myself a break this time.
We're going to find out what sex the baby is this time around.  If it's a girl, we already have a name, but we'd need to clear out the office to the basement so we could have a room for her, and if it's a boy, we need to pick out a name.  My husband's VERY picky about the names - it's very difficult to find one that we both like.  I've already compiled a list and even made them into a list of full names he can browse.  Yeah, it'll be better and harder this time.  My little man is used to all of mommy's time and I don't know how we're both going to handle this.  Thank goodness for nine months!  That's probably it for now.  :D

UGH!

so my weight hasn't changed.  that's a good and bad thing.  At least I'm not heavier.  Weighed in this morning at 218.4.  BOOOO!   :(
On a better note, I've booked my first parties.  I sell Mary Kay - started in December and haven't done anything with it.  I've finally got something!  And I did it all while wearing pajamas!  YAY ME! 
I got a little exercising done last night if you count dancing to Cher and Cherry Poppin Daddies.  If nothing else, my son was amused by my dancing.  He brought me his stuffed animals to dance with.
I feel it might just be a good day  and it's only going to get better because my husband is off all next week!  Of course, that means I have a chance to clean the basement and main floor.  Cleaning - BOO!  Cleaning because I'm getting a bigger water heater and having a Super Bowl/Rock Band party - YAY!!  Now to figure out how much all that will cost.  I also need carpet cleaning.  Sad.  But I love hosting parties!

opening

I'm going to post the opening of one of my stories.  Any thoughts, critiques, opinions are welcomed.  Let me know.

Dear diary~
    I’m going to hell.  If my past indiscretions haven’t secured that fate for me, then last night certainly did.  Maybe I’ve already been punished.  That’s what my mom thinks.  “I suppose you got what you deserved.”  Just like that - didn’t ask if I was ok or what happened.  How was I supposed to know the plans if nobody told me what they were?
    I was at my best friend’s birthday party.  Her parents took in troubled teens.  Mike was a few years older than me.  He had regarded me with partial disdain for most of the night and seemed to enjoy my annoyance that he didn’t choose me out of all the girls there; just because I had dared respond to his criticism of my clothes.  Of course, he changed his tune once everyone had either left or gone to sleep.  We were the last two still watching the movie.  I had switched seats to the lazy boy facing the TV.  He came and sat in the one next to mine.
    “Pringle?”
    “So what, you’re talking to me now?”
    “I’m sorry for being rude.”
    “Fine.”  I went back to the movie.
    “Whatever.”  He got up and left.
    He liked me!  I knew it.  Guys just don’t get upset at girls they don’t like over stupid things.  He was probably just trying to get my attention.  He came back a little while later and stood behind my chair.  He leaned down and whispered, “I really am sorry.  Let me make it up to you.  Do you want a massage?”
    I didn’t think about it for too long.  I know what I’d been counseled, and I knew that it was probably wrong to let a boy I didn’t even know touch me, but he was cute!  I leaned forward a little and he put his hands on my shoulders.  It felt really good.  I stopped paying attention to things for a while and didn’t notice he’d started moving his hands to the tops of my breasts.  I put my hands up to stop him from going any lower.  He leaned forward and traced my ear with his tongue.  I gasped.  He sucked my earlobe, and then kissed down my neck.  He moved back up to my mouth.  I’d teased and played around with guys before, but never been kissed.  It was an intense first kiss.  The movie was ending when we stopped kissing.  I asked him if he could drive me home.  He said he wasn’t allowed a license and went to his room.  There wasn’t a licensed driver and I thought I needed to be home, so I decided to walk.  I didn’t realize at the time that it was a five and a half mile walk.  It was late at night and I’d just had my first kiss, obviously my brain wasn’t working.
    I’d probably been walking for an hour when a car pulled over and offered me a ride.  I tried talking my way out of it.  I could see he was a lot older than me, maybe in his twenties, and the car smelled of beer.  He kept insisting he take me somewhere to eat and it seemed like he would follow me anyway, so I said yes.  I didn’t want to get in the car, but I was tired.  I told him to just take me to my house.  It took about five minutes to drive what would have taken another hour to walk.  He pulled into my driveway and turned to look at me.
    “Thanks,” I said as I unlocked the door.
    I tried to unbuckle my seat belt, but he held it together with his hand.    
    “Where’s the real thank you?”
    “Thanks for the ride.”
    “That’s not what I’m looking for.”
    Before I could respond, he pressed me against the seat and started kissing my neck and feeling me up.  I tried pushing him off me to no avail.  He let go of the seat belt so he could use both hands to continue the attack.  I relaxed a little so he wouldn’t suspect anything and then quickly undid the seat belt.  I pulled the door open and fell to the ground.  I got up, slammed the door and ran to the porch.  When I got inside, I immediately went downstairs to my room, praying my family was asleep.  Unfortunately, my mom was still up.  She took one look at me and said, “I suppose you got what you deserved.”  Then she grounded me for two weeks for making her leave the house to come look for me.  I guess I was supposed to stay the night.
    I have NEVER felt so dirty in my life!  I wish I could take a gun and kill him and then shoot myself!

bad

I've been bad about posting everyday.  How am I supposed to keep with anything if I can't even keep up with recording my thoughts?  Oh well.  I've been out and about running errands and having lunch with friends while talking business, so I've been productive.  I look good today which means I feel good.  I've decided to grow out my hair.  I've always liked it long and people seem to like it as well on me.  SO it's not the trendiest hair style out there - NEWSFLASH - I'm not the trendiest person out there.  It's time to make myself happy and hope people will support me in me.  If I could get rid of the demons that haunt me from my past, I would.  But a lot of it comes from asking forgiveness of others and I don't even know how to contact them.  I need to just accept that I may not be able to tell them in this life.  A wise man said recently (one of my cousins), "I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I was a kid, but not anymore."  Maybe I am ashamed, but they were things that happened when I was younger and not entirely in control of my emotions.  I'm better now, than I was.  Everyday I work on being better.  It's not just going to go away, but as long as I recognize the triggers, I can be in control.  And I have a husband who was and still is willing to help me.  And friends who don't know it, but help me, too.
Anyway :)
Maybe I'll go for a walk later.  I have CDs to pick up from the library.

for me

today is for me!  I've been good, kept up with my exercising, even if I couldn't muster enough energy (or time) for a full workout.  So I'm going to lunch.  I'm going shopping.  Maybe it'll just be window shopping, but that's ok.  I'm getting out of my house today and I'm not going to worry about all the things that need to be done inside.  For the past two days, I've woken up very early (for me) and I've been able to get more accomplished, I feel more productive.  Maybe this is how it's going to be from now on.  I need to start working my business, making it work for me.  I need the money, I need the confidence, I need the sense of accomplishment.  Working on stories I never plan on publishing is fun, but I can't spend all day looking at a screen and scratching my head.  And maybe just maybe, if I pretend to be happy eventually it will happen.  I don't know that I believe that, but it doesn't cost anything to try.  Though I do have to admit I'm better now than I was even a few years back.  I think losing weight will help, too, A LOT!
I did something stupid last night - I bought some fries on my way home from my Mary Kay meeting.  At least I only got myself a medium, but I eat them with ranch.  Not so good for the losing weight thing.  I'll be better today.  We're going to Chick-fil-A for lunch and I'll get the char-grilled chicken sandwich and a water.
Thanks to the people who read this and listen to me rant or just go on about nothing.  :D

ugh Monday

not usually a hate Monday type person, but after today, I could see it happening.  Today just wasn't my day.  But the day isn't over.  It could still end either way.  Just waiting for all the players to show up.  Regardless, things need to change.  I'm just not sure what, specifically, yet.
It's so cold in the house, but after seeing the last gas bill, I'm loathe to turn up the heat and be warm.  We just don't have that kind of money.  And speaking of money, since tax time is upon us - how DARE the government give away money to some and expect others to pay it back!  It came out of my pocket in the first place and it's not like we're super rich and can afford to have them keep money from us.  We're part of the poor middle-class and I'm tired of the government taking my money and giving it to whomever they wish.  That's stealing!  ENOUGH already!  Who does the government think they are, anyway?!  My God only asks me to give 1/10 of what I make, so who do they think they are demanding more?  And how dare those celebrities and 'super stars' get on their high horse and tell me I need to help my fellow man and then go back to the mansion they  live in.  If they were so concerned about the poor, they would live in a moderately sized house, I mean, how many people actually live in their 35 bedroom houses anyway?!  One person, maybe two.  Anyway, they would live in a smaller house and give their money to the poor.  I would give to the poor and help the unfortunate, but the GOVERNMENT already has all my money!  I would like to help and it makes me sad that I can't, but I don't have it.  ENOUGH with the social programs already, let me decide who to give my money to.  I think I can make a better decision than them anyway.  You can't help anybody else until you have your own self set up.  I'm near poor.  Taking every thing from me and helping the poor only creates more poor.  It doesn't help anybody.
I think I'm done now.

short

I think I'll keep this one short.  I haven't exercised yet today, but I did go to the store and walked around so that has to count for something, right?  The weather's been strange today.  Sunny and hail at the same time.  My cousin's moving down here and I'm just so excited for that.  Not much else going on in my mind today.

why

I don't feel like doing things that need to be done.  I don't really want to go out today, even though I know I should.  I don't feel right today.  I know there's something wrong.  Maybe I spend too much time inside.  But going out means spending money - money we don't have.
It's times like this I want immediate results.  I NEED to be skinnier.  I NEED a new face.  I NEED a new personality; a new life.  I love my son and I wouldn't trade him for anything.  So what's wrong with me?!  I listen to music that expresses how I feel and it kind of makes me feel better, but in the back of my mind I know better.  I should be listening to uplifting music.
I should be doing a lot of things I'm not.  I should be praying and reading scriptures and encouraging my husband to come to church with me and making my house a House of God, but I'm a failure at all of that, too.  I'm trying to get myself in order but I don't know if that's even possible.  I always feel torn in two.  And I'm not sure which is me.  I think they're both me.  So how do I tell myself I don't like you and you need to change and still feel good about myself?
It's just one of those days.  My stretch relaxation went well last night.  I should exercise today before it gets too late and I don't feel like doing it anymore.  I was hoping to walk around with a friend, but no one's available.  And if I'm going to be alone at least I won't stink like dirt. 
I had pineapple tidbits for breakfast and a glass of milk.  I'll have a garden pasta with light italian dressing and water for lunch.  Hopefully these things will help me not feel so bad about myself.  I wish I could say everything I'm feeling, but I'm not that anonymous.
Wish me better.

for today

I ended up on the apheresis machine donating double red cells yesterday.  I feel good about that.  But I'm thinking of taking it easy on my exercise today and doing a stretch relaxation workout.  I will have to wait for the boy to nap.
I noticed my husband made spiral mac & cheese for lunch so instead of having it for dinner tonight I guess we'll do waffles.  I still have whipped cream and strawberries so I'll make a few plain waffles and the rest can be bacon waffles.  I like having a plan.
Can I say how glad I am that my boy loves Phineas and Ferb?!  It's good, clean fun and something I really enjoy.  He's laying on his penguin pillow pet and watching episodes right now.  Nice and calm.  YAY!
I can work on my story stuff.  I see a productive day forming :D

a new day

Today's set up for good - hopefully it will hold.  I'm on my way to give blood.  I've already done my exercise today.  It was shorter than usual due to time constraints.  Although I should say, exercising in shorts definitely makes for motivation!  Seeing all those dimples where you shouldn't have them makes me want to work harder.  Lunch was good - garden blend fettuccine with Olive Garden dressing and a glass of water.  Light and satisfying.  Yes, hopefully it'll stay good :D

Well . . .

I did start this so I could get things out of my head.  :D
I have writer's block.  I have 8 stories in progress on my computer - that does not include stories that aren't on here.  One of the stories is new and I still have nothing.  Very frustrating to have all these ideas floating around and then nothing to flesh them out with.
Not that I write for professional purposes.  I write for fun, for myself - but it would be nice to finish a story all the way through and have it how I want it.  The last story I completed was in high school for a class and I'd like to go back and revise it, too.

First things first

I actually started this blog as a recommendation that it would help me lose weight.  On the 12th I decided to put on some music and dance to it.  I listened to the whole cd and got a fairly decent workout from it.  Since then, I've made myself a playlist on iTunes for exercise.  I've worked out a few times.  It's a little tricky to do with a 2 yr old hanging out, especially when I do some kickboxing moves.  I don't have much room in my office right now.  I'm waiting on carpet cleaning and then I can go downstairs and use the family room and all my exercise discs.
I should get this out of the way - I'm getting close to 220, again.  I didn't lose much weight after having my son.  Last March, I was visiting my grandma in Texas and she was doing Weight Watchers.  It worked for her and gave me an idea.  I started counting points in May and lost 11.6 lbs in 7 weeks.  I was feeling good, but lazy.  I wasn't exercising, just watching the food I ate.  I figured I had it down.  I knew how much to fill in my bowl without using the measuring cups anymore.  But I was tired of counting points and so I stopped.  I've hovered in that general weight for the last 6 months.  Now the weight is starting to creep back on and I've had enough!
I'm tired of being fat.  I hate the way I look in clothes.  I had clothes that I love and think I look good in and then I see myself in pictures and it's awful!  I used to be a skinny person.  And that's what I'd like to be again.  I think it would help with my relationships, personal & professional.  I think it would make me a happier person.  And it would help me enjoy the things I used to do and can't do anymore.  Have you ever tried finding and then fitting size 36Ks into a jog bra - not happening!
I should probably stop writing and start moving while the boy is distracted :D

Of course

because it's not possible to have a day where nothing goes wrong.  There is no such thing as a good day.  Today was shaping up to be one.  Then I went downstairs to rinse my bowl from breakfast and I smelled burning.  I opened the dishwasher to the smell of burning plastic.  One of my mixing spoons fell to the bottom and is currently melting to the heat coil down there.  Hopefully this is the end of the bad day.