where to begin. I feel sad. I feel so much more but I don't know how to put it down. Monday night was the worst night of my life to date. I lost my baby after ten weeks of bonding. But those ten weeks were enough. There are so many things I didn't know about this little person that I was looking forward to spending my life finding out and now I don't get that chance.
Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?
It's not fair! I went through a lot to get this baby, and to not even get the chance to see this baby - Well that's not entirely true. I did get to see my baby. As I pulled its tiny little body from the toilet and put it in a cup, I did see the little toes and fingers and eyes all inside the protective sac. Protected from everything except my body. The body that was supposed to give it life. And instead killed it.
And it's not going to get any easier as I now get to tell all the people who were so happily anticipating this baby with me. Sometimes I think it's easier to grieve alone. My eyes hurt and it's only the first day of grieving.
If I didn't have my faith I would be much worse off. But even though I know where my baby is and that it's being taken care of, it doesn't help the loss I feel. The emptiness. The heartache. And I know my baby knows that I love it and will never forget it and that I'm sorry. But that doesn't ease my guilt.
We'll be having a tiny funeral. Bury it next to my brother's kitten so it won't be alone. I know the souls aren't there anymore. I know they've moved on to be with Jesus. But I also know it's a safe little place that won't be disturbed.
I wish I would have known if it was a boy or a girl so I could give it its proper name. Maybe I'll just call it Angel, since that is what it is.
I woke up from a few hours of sleep feeling like I'd been punched in the face. I know I must look terrible.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I think from the moment you find out that you are pregnant, a bond immediately forms and you have a special love for that baby. I truly hope that you can feel some peace and comfort. Of course it is not your fault. It's a very unfortunate and sad act of nature. That doesn't make it any easier, but know that it was out of your hands.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you (and I!) will be able to soon bring more babies into this world, to love and raise.
If you need to talk, feel free to email me:
aejamba(at)gmail(dot)com
Wow... I'm sorry. It will fade over time, but sadly it will hurt until then.
ReplyDeleteI've been down this road before, since the child wasn't in me, it was a little easier to handle.
Keep the faith and your head up, you need to be strong for your family.
i just found this blog and my heart aches for you. i am so sorry you are going through this. i can only imagine the pain you must feel. this was NOT your fault.
ReplyDeletei saw this quote one time and loved it. it is so true.
"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."
it is a comfort to know that you will see your baby again and be able to raise your child some day. but it's also ok to mourn and express sadness. because that is what it is. sadness.