Seriously Pissed, Ready to Rage

I mean, SERIOUSLY guys?! Where do you get the nerve! You don’t drug women! You don’t touch them without their permission! And you certainly don’t fucking rape them! I’m so livid right now! If I had the power to find him, I would torture him slowly! Maybe over the course of months, because poison would be involved. Boys and their little penis issues . . .

On a different note, just because a girl gives you her number and asks you to text her doesn’t mean she was trying to come on to you and get in your pants. I may have fantasized about it, but that’s all it was. I was just looking for a friend. If you would have cared to find out instead of dismissing me immediately. That dismissal triggered an eating disorder. I’ve never had one before. Clearly, if I wasn’t so fat and ugly people would like me better. I’m hideous right now. I don’t know if anything will change that, but we’ll never know until I lose the fat. I’ll probably never ask anyone to be my friend again, though. I don’t do well with rejection.

Especially when you don’t even have the guts to say something.

I really want to just see him so I can tell him he never needed to be overly friendly with me in the drive-thru or that Monday. He only needed to take my order. I always tip.

I kind of feel like everybody laughs about me behind my back. Like they think they know what’s going on and how pathetic I am and just laugh when I leave. Maybe I should just go apologize for giving out my number and asking for friends. I’ve probably had enough mocha in my lifetime anyway.

 

It's been a while

 and yet, nothing changes. I'm still the same loser I was before, only now - I'm alone. I now have two boys; one is 12, the other is almost 4. Those are the only boys I will ever have in my life, for the rest of my life.

And it's not like it's of my own choosing. I'm crushing so hard right now. And I would love to get to know him better. But it will never happen. I gave him my phone number and asked him to text me and he didn't. It's the first and last time I'll ever give someone my phone number. I feel like a complete loser. I'm pathetic. I know no one wants me. At this point, I'm only alive for my boys.

Apparently, I'm not worthy love. And at this point, I figure I'm not worthy of food, either. I have thought of starving myself to get thin or purging (more my style). Something has to happen. My husband didn't want me. I put on extra weight, that I couldn't get off, having our boys. So now, I'm a fat, single mom with two boys. And it's not like I have looks or personality going for me that would make someone overlook my weight. I'm so damn awkward it's sad.

I'm just so crushed and broken right now. I come home from work and sleep. I don't want to be awake because I just think about him. And it's painful.