so my weight hasn't changed. that's a good and bad thing. At least I'm not heavier. Weighed in this morning at 218.4. BOOOO! :(
On a better note, I've booked my first parties. I sell Mary Kay - started in December and haven't done anything with it. I've finally got something! And I did it all while wearing pajamas! YAY ME!
I got a little exercising done last night if you count dancing to Cher and Cherry Poppin Daddies. If nothing else, my son was amused by my dancing. He brought me his stuffed animals to dance with.
I feel it might just be a good day and it's only going to get better because my husband is off all next week! Of course, that means I have a chance to clean the basement and main floor. Cleaning - BOO! Cleaning because I'm getting a bigger water heater and having a Super Bowl/Rock Band party - YAY!! Now to figure out how much all that will cost. I also need carpet cleaning. Sad. But I love hosting parties!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
opening
I'm going to post the opening of one of my stories. Any thoughts, critiques, opinions are welcomed. Let me know.
Dear diary~
I’m going to hell. If my past indiscretions haven’t secured that fate for me, then last night certainly did. Maybe I’ve already been punished. That’s what my mom thinks. “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Just like that - didn’t ask if I was ok or what happened. How was I supposed to know the plans if nobody told me what they were?
I was at my best friend’s birthday party. Her parents took in troubled teens. Mike was a few years older than me. He had regarded me with partial disdain for most of the night and seemed to enjoy my annoyance that he didn’t choose me out of all the girls there; just because I had dared respond to his criticism of my clothes. Of course, he changed his tune once everyone had either left or gone to sleep. We were the last two still watching the movie. I had switched seats to the lazy boy facing the TV. He came and sat in the one next to mine.
“Pringle?”
“So what, you’re talking to me now?”
“I’m sorry for being rude.”
“Fine.” I went back to the movie.
“Whatever.” He got up and left.
He liked me! I knew it. Guys just don’t get upset at girls they don’t like over stupid things. He was probably just trying to get my attention. He came back a little while later and stood behind my chair. He leaned down and whispered, “I really am sorry. Let me make it up to you. Do you want a massage?”
I didn’t think about it for too long. I know what I’d been counseled, and I knew that it was probably wrong to let a boy I didn’t even know touch me, but he was cute! I leaned forward a little and he put his hands on my shoulders. It felt really good. I stopped paying attention to things for a while and didn’t notice he’d started moving his hands to the tops of my breasts. I put my hands up to stop him from going any lower. He leaned forward and traced my ear with his tongue. I gasped. He sucked my earlobe, and then kissed down my neck. He moved back up to my mouth. I’d teased and played around with guys before, but never been kissed. It was an intense first kiss. The movie was ending when we stopped kissing. I asked him if he could drive me home. He said he wasn’t allowed a license and went to his room. There wasn’t a licensed driver and I thought I needed to be home, so I decided to walk. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a five and a half mile walk. It was late at night and I’d just had my first kiss, obviously my brain wasn’t working.
I’d probably been walking for an hour when a car pulled over and offered me a ride. I tried talking my way out of it. I could see he was a lot older than me, maybe in his twenties, and the car smelled of beer. He kept insisting he take me somewhere to eat and it seemed like he would follow me anyway, so I said yes. I didn’t want to get in the car, but I was tired. I told him to just take me to my house. It took about five minutes to drive what would have taken another hour to walk. He pulled into my driveway and turned to look at me.
“Thanks,” I said as I unlocked the door.
I tried to unbuckle my seat belt, but he held it together with his hand.
“Where’s the real thank you?”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for.”
Before I could respond, he pressed me against the seat and started kissing my neck and feeling me up. I tried pushing him off me to no avail. He let go of the seat belt so he could use both hands to continue the attack. I relaxed a little so he wouldn’t suspect anything and then quickly undid the seat belt. I pulled the door open and fell to the ground. I got up, slammed the door and ran to the porch. When I got inside, I immediately went downstairs to my room, praying my family was asleep. Unfortunately, my mom was still up. She took one look at me and said, “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Then she grounded me for two weeks for making her leave the house to come look for me. I guess I was supposed to stay the night.
I have NEVER felt so dirty in my life! I wish I could take a gun and kill him and then shoot myself!
Dear diary~
I’m going to hell. If my past indiscretions haven’t secured that fate for me, then last night certainly did. Maybe I’ve already been punished. That’s what my mom thinks. “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Just like that - didn’t ask if I was ok or what happened. How was I supposed to know the plans if nobody told me what they were?
I was at my best friend’s birthday party. Her parents took in troubled teens. Mike was a few years older than me. He had regarded me with partial disdain for most of the night and seemed to enjoy my annoyance that he didn’t choose me out of all the girls there; just because I had dared respond to his criticism of my clothes. Of course, he changed his tune once everyone had either left or gone to sleep. We were the last two still watching the movie. I had switched seats to the lazy boy facing the TV. He came and sat in the one next to mine.
“Pringle?”
“So what, you’re talking to me now?”
“I’m sorry for being rude.”
“Fine.” I went back to the movie.
“Whatever.” He got up and left.
He liked me! I knew it. Guys just don’t get upset at girls they don’t like over stupid things. He was probably just trying to get my attention. He came back a little while later and stood behind my chair. He leaned down and whispered, “I really am sorry. Let me make it up to you. Do you want a massage?”
I didn’t think about it for too long. I know what I’d been counseled, and I knew that it was probably wrong to let a boy I didn’t even know touch me, but he was cute! I leaned forward a little and he put his hands on my shoulders. It felt really good. I stopped paying attention to things for a while and didn’t notice he’d started moving his hands to the tops of my breasts. I put my hands up to stop him from going any lower. He leaned forward and traced my ear with his tongue. I gasped. He sucked my earlobe, and then kissed down my neck. He moved back up to my mouth. I’d teased and played around with guys before, but never been kissed. It was an intense first kiss. The movie was ending when we stopped kissing. I asked him if he could drive me home. He said he wasn’t allowed a license and went to his room. There wasn’t a licensed driver and I thought I needed to be home, so I decided to walk. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a five and a half mile walk. It was late at night and I’d just had my first kiss, obviously my brain wasn’t working.
I’d probably been walking for an hour when a car pulled over and offered me a ride. I tried talking my way out of it. I could see he was a lot older than me, maybe in his twenties, and the car smelled of beer. He kept insisting he take me somewhere to eat and it seemed like he would follow me anyway, so I said yes. I didn’t want to get in the car, but I was tired. I told him to just take me to my house. It took about five minutes to drive what would have taken another hour to walk. He pulled into my driveway and turned to look at me.
“Thanks,” I said as I unlocked the door.
I tried to unbuckle my seat belt, but he held it together with his hand.
“Where’s the real thank you?”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for.”
Before I could respond, he pressed me against the seat and started kissing my neck and feeling me up. I tried pushing him off me to no avail. He let go of the seat belt so he could use both hands to continue the attack. I relaxed a little so he wouldn’t suspect anything and then quickly undid the seat belt. I pulled the door open and fell to the ground. I got up, slammed the door and ran to the porch. When I got inside, I immediately went downstairs to my room, praying my family was asleep. Unfortunately, my mom was still up. She took one look at me and said, “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Then she grounded me for two weeks for making her leave the house to come look for me. I guess I was supposed to stay the night.
I have NEVER felt so dirty in my life! I wish I could take a gun and kill him and then shoot myself!
bad
I've been bad about posting everyday. How am I supposed to keep with anything if I can't even keep up with recording my thoughts? Oh well. I've been out and about running errands and having lunch with friends while talking business, so I've been productive. I look good today which means I feel good. I've decided to grow out my hair. I've always liked it long and people seem to like it as well on me. SO it's not the trendiest hair style out there - NEWSFLASH - I'm not the trendiest person out there. It's time to make myself happy and hope people will support me in me. If I could get rid of the demons that haunt me from my past, I would. But a lot of it comes from asking forgiveness of others and I don't even know how to contact them. I need to just accept that I may not be able to tell them in this life. A wise man said recently (one of my cousins), "I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a kid, but not anymore." Maybe I am ashamed, but they were things that happened when I was younger and not entirely in control of my emotions. I'm better now, than I was. Everyday I work on being better. It's not just going to go away, but as long as I recognize the triggers, I can be in control. And I have a husband who was and still is willing to help me. And friends who don't know it, but help me, too.
Anyway :)
Maybe I'll go for a walk later. I have CDs to pick up from the library.
Anyway :)
Maybe I'll go for a walk later. I have CDs to pick up from the library.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
for me
today is for me! I've been good, kept up with my exercising, even if I couldn't muster enough energy (or time) for a full workout. So I'm going to lunch. I'm going shopping. Maybe it'll just be window shopping, but that's ok. I'm getting out of my house today and I'm not going to worry about all the things that need to be done inside. For the past two days, I've woken up very early (for me) and I've been able to get more accomplished, I feel more productive. Maybe this is how it's going to be from now on. I need to start working my business, making it work for me. I need the money, I need the confidence, I need the sense of accomplishment. Working on stories I never plan on publishing is fun, but I can't spend all day looking at a screen and scratching my head. And maybe just maybe, if I pretend to be happy eventually it will happen. I don't know that I believe that, but it doesn't cost anything to try. Though I do have to admit I'm better now than I was even a few years back. I think losing weight will help, too, A LOT!
I did something stupid last night - I bought some fries on my way home from my Mary Kay meeting. At least I only got myself a medium, but I eat them with ranch. Not so good for the losing weight thing. I'll be better today. We're going to Chick-fil-A for lunch and I'll get the char-grilled chicken sandwich and a water.
Thanks to the people who read this and listen to me rant or just go on about nothing. :D
I did something stupid last night - I bought some fries on my way home from my Mary Kay meeting. At least I only got myself a medium, but I eat them with ranch. Not so good for the losing weight thing. I'll be better today. We're going to Chick-fil-A for lunch and I'll get the char-grilled chicken sandwich and a water.
Thanks to the people who read this and listen to me rant or just go on about nothing. :D
Monday, January 24, 2011
ugh Monday
not usually a hate Monday type person, but after today, I could see it happening. Today just wasn't my day. But the day isn't over. It could still end either way. Just waiting for all the players to show up. Regardless, things need to change. I'm just not sure what, specifically, yet.
It's so cold in the house, but after seeing the last gas bill, I'm loathe to turn up the heat and be warm. We just don't have that kind of money. And speaking of money, since tax time is upon us - how DARE the government give away money to some and expect others to pay it back! It came out of my pocket in the first place and it's not like we're super rich and can afford to have them keep money from us. We're part of the poor middle-class and I'm tired of the government taking my money and giving it to whomever they wish. That's stealing! ENOUGH already! Who does the government think they are, anyway?! My God only asks me to give 1/10 of what I make, so who do they think they are demanding more? And how dare those celebrities and 'super stars' get on their high horse and tell me I need to help my fellow man and then go back to the mansion they live in. If they were so concerned about the poor, they would live in a moderately sized house, I mean, how many people actually live in their 35 bedroom houses anyway?! One person, maybe two. Anyway, they would live in a smaller house and give their money to the poor. I would give to the poor and help the unfortunate, but the GOVERNMENT already has all my money! I would like to help and it makes me sad that I can't, but I don't have it. ENOUGH with the social programs already, let me decide who to give my money to. I think I can make a better decision than them anyway. You can't help anybody else until you have your own self set up. I'm near poor. Taking every thing from me and helping the poor only creates more poor. It doesn't help anybody.
I think I'm done now.
It's so cold in the house, but after seeing the last gas bill, I'm loathe to turn up the heat and be warm. We just don't have that kind of money. And speaking of money, since tax time is upon us - how DARE the government give away money to some and expect others to pay it back! It came out of my pocket in the first place and it's not like we're super rich and can afford to have them keep money from us. We're part of the poor middle-class and I'm tired of the government taking my money and giving it to whomever they wish. That's stealing! ENOUGH already! Who does the government think they are, anyway?! My God only asks me to give 1/10 of what I make, so who do they think they are demanding more? And how dare those celebrities and 'super stars' get on their high horse and tell me I need to help my fellow man and then go back to the mansion they live in. If they were so concerned about the poor, they would live in a moderately sized house, I mean, how many people actually live in their 35 bedroom houses anyway?! One person, maybe two. Anyway, they would live in a smaller house and give their money to the poor. I would give to the poor and help the unfortunate, but the GOVERNMENT already has all my money! I would like to help and it makes me sad that I can't, but I don't have it. ENOUGH with the social programs already, let me decide who to give my money to. I think I can make a better decision than them anyway. You can't help anybody else until you have your own self set up. I'm near poor. Taking every thing from me and helping the poor only creates more poor. It doesn't help anybody.
I think I'm done now.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
short
I think I'll keep this one short. I haven't exercised yet today, but I did go to the store and walked around so that has to count for something, right? The weather's been strange today. Sunny and hail at the same time. My cousin's moving down here and I'm just so excited for that. Not much else going on in my mind today.
Friday, January 21, 2011
why
I don't feel like doing things that need to be done. I don't really want to go out today, even though I know I should. I don't feel right today. I know there's something wrong. Maybe I spend too much time inside. But going out means spending money - money we don't have.
It's times like this I want immediate results. I NEED to be skinnier. I NEED a new face. I NEED a new personality; a new life. I love my son and I wouldn't trade him for anything. So what's wrong with me?! I listen to music that expresses how I feel and it kind of makes me feel better, but in the back of my mind I know better. I should be listening to uplifting music.
I should be doing a lot of things I'm not. I should be praying and reading scriptures and encouraging my husband to come to church with me and making my house a House of God, but I'm a failure at all of that, too. I'm trying to get myself in order but I don't know if that's even possible. I always feel torn in two. And I'm not sure which is me. I think they're both me. So how do I tell myself I don't like you and you need to change and still feel good about myself?
It's just one of those days. My stretch relaxation went well last night. I should exercise today before it gets too late and I don't feel like doing it anymore. I was hoping to walk around with a friend, but no one's available. And if I'm going to be alone at least I won't stink like dirt.
I had pineapple tidbits for breakfast and a glass of milk. I'll have a garden pasta with light italian dressing and water for lunch. Hopefully these things will help me not feel so bad about myself. I wish I could say everything I'm feeling, but I'm not that anonymous.
Wish me better.
It's times like this I want immediate results. I NEED to be skinnier. I NEED a new face. I NEED a new personality; a new life. I love my son and I wouldn't trade him for anything. So what's wrong with me?! I listen to music that expresses how I feel and it kind of makes me feel better, but in the back of my mind I know better. I should be listening to uplifting music.
I should be doing a lot of things I'm not. I should be praying and reading scriptures and encouraging my husband to come to church with me and making my house a House of God, but I'm a failure at all of that, too. I'm trying to get myself in order but I don't know if that's even possible. I always feel torn in two. And I'm not sure which is me. I think they're both me. So how do I tell myself I don't like you and you need to change and still feel good about myself?
It's just one of those days. My stretch relaxation went well last night. I should exercise today before it gets too late and I don't feel like doing it anymore. I was hoping to walk around with a friend, but no one's available. And if I'm going to be alone at least I won't stink like dirt.
I had pineapple tidbits for breakfast and a glass of milk. I'll have a garden pasta with light italian dressing and water for lunch. Hopefully these things will help me not feel so bad about myself. I wish I could say everything I'm feeling, but I'm not that anonymous.
Wish me better.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
for today
I ended up on the apheresis machine donating double red cells yesterday. I feel good about that. But I'm thinking of taking it easy on my exercise today and doing a stretch relaxation workout. I will have to wait for the boy to nap.
I noticed my husband made spiral mac & cheese for lunch so instead of having it for dinner tonight I guess we'll do waffles. I still have whipped cream and strawberries so I'll make a few plain waffles and the rest can be bacon waffles. I like having a plan.
Can I say how glad I am that my boy loves Phineas and Ferb?! It's good, clean fun and something I really enjoy. He's laying on his penguin pillow pet and watching episodes right now. Nice and calm. YAY!
I can work on my story stuff. I see a productive day forming :D
I noticed my husband made spiral mac & cheese for lunch so instead of having it for dinner tonight I guess we'll do waffles. I still have whipped cream and strawberries so I'll make a few plain waffles and the rest can be bacon waffles. I like having a plan.
Can I say how glad I am that my boy loves Phineas and Ferb?! It's good, clean fun and something I really enjoy. He's laying on his penguin pillow pet and watching episodes right now. Nice and calm. YAY!
I can work on my story stuff. I see a productive day forming :D
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
a new day
Today's set up for good - hopefully it will hold. I'm on my way to give blood. I've already done my exercise today. It was shorter than usual due to time constraints. Although I should say, exercising in shorts definitely makes for motivation! Seeing all those dimples where you shouldn't have them makes me want to work harder. Lunch was good - garden blend fettuccine with Olive Garden dressing and a glass of water. Light and satisfying. Yes, hopefully it'll stay good :D
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Well . . .
I did start this so I could get things out of my head. :D
I have writer's block. I have 8 stories in progress on my computer - that does not include stories that aren't on here. One of the stories is new and I still have nothing. Very frustrating to have all these ideas floating around and then nothing to flesh them out with.
Not that I write for professional purposes. I write for fun, for myself - but it would be nice to finish a story all the way through and have it how I want it. The last story I completed was in high school for a class and I'd like to go back and revise it, too.
I have writer's block. I have 8 stories in progress on my computer - that does not include stories that aren't on here. One of the stories is new and I still have nothing. Very frustrating to have all these ideas floating around and then nothing to flesh them out with.
Not that I write for professional purposes. I write for fun, for myself - but it would be nice to finish a story all the way through and have it how I want it. The last story I completed was in high school for a class and I'd like to go back and revise it, too.
First things first
I actually started this blog as a recommendation that it would help me lose weight. On the 12th I decided to put on some music and dance to it. I listened to the whole cd and got a fairly decent workout from it. Since then, I've made myself a playlist on iTunes for exercise. I've worked out a few times. It's a little tricky to do with a 2 yr old hanging out, especially when I do some kickboxing moves. I don't have much room in my office right now. I'm waiting on carpet cleaning and then I can go downstairs and use the family room and all my exercise discs.
I should get this out of the way - I'm getting close to 220, again. I didn't lose much weight after having my son. Last March, I was visiting my grandma in Texas and she was doing Weight Watchers. It worked for her and gave me an idea. I started counting points in May and lost 11.6 lbs in 7 weeks. I was feeling good, but lazy. I wasn't exercising, just watching the food I ate. I figured I had it down. I knew how much to fill in my bowl without using the measuring cups anymore. But I was tired of counting points and so I stopped. I've hovered in that general weight for the last 6 months. Now the weight is starting to creep back on and I've had enough!
I'm tired of being fat. I hate the way I look in clothes. I had clothes that I love and think I look good in and then I see myself in pictures and it's awful! I used to be a skinny person. And that's what I'd like to be again. I think it would help with my relationships, personal & professional. I think it would make me a happier person. And it would help me enjoy the things I used to do and can't do anymore. Have you ever tried finding and then fitting size 36Ks into a jog bra - not happening!
I should probably stop writing and start moving while the boy is distracted :D
I should get this out of the way - I'm getting close to 220, again. I didn't lose much weight after having my son. Last March, I was visiting my grandma in Texas and she was doing Weight Watchers. It worked for her and gave me an idea. I started counting points in May and lost 11.6 lbs in 7 weeks. I was feeling good, but lazy. I wasn't exercising, just watching the food I ate. I figured I had it down. I knew how much to fill in my bowl without using the measuring cups anymore. But I was tired of counting points and so I stopped. I've hovered in that general weight for the last 6 months. Now the weight is starting to creep back on and I've had enough!
I'm tired of being fat. I hate the way I look in clothes. I had clothes that I love and think I look good in and then I see myself in pictures and it's awful! I used to be a skinny person. And that's what I'd like to be again. I think it would help with my relationships, personal & professional. I think it would make me a happier person. And it would help me enjoy the things I used to do and can't do anymore. Have you ever tried finding and then fitting size 36Ks into a jog bra - not happening!
I should probably stop writing and start moving while the boy is distracted :D
Of course
because it's not possible to have a day where nothing goes wrong. There is no such thing as a good day. Today was shaping up to be one. Then I went downstairs to rinse my bowl from breakfast and I smelled burning. I opened the dishwasher to the smell of burning plastic. One of my mixing spoons fell to the bottom and is currently melting to the heat coil down there. Hopefully this is the end of the bad day.
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