Wednesday, March 16, 2011
tonight
I got to go to the soccer game. Trying to “move on” with my life. Not only does that thought make me sick, but it’s not possible. There’s no way to just move on, it’s just living differently, knowing nothing will ever be the same again. Not really. Even now that we’re back to our regular pattern, it’s different. Tonight, a dad was carrying his cute daughter up the bleachers. I cried. That will never happen for us. I miss my little girl. I know I talk to her, but I want her to be here with me. I want to be able to hold her. I will never be the same.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
i just don't know
where to begin. I feel sad. I feel so much more but I don't know how to put it down. Monday night was the worst night of my life to date. I lost my baby after ten weeks of bonding. But those ten weeks were enough. There are so many things I didn't know about this little person that I was looking forward to spending my life finding out and now I don't get that chance.
Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?
It's not fair! I went through a lot to get this baby, and to not even get the chance to see this baby - Well that's not entirely true. I did get to see my baby. As I pulled its tiny little body from the toilet and put it in a cup, I did see the little toes and fingers and eyes all inside the protective sac. Protected from everything except my body. The body that was supposed to give it life. And instead killed it.
And it's not going to get any easier as I now get to tell all the people who were so happily anticipating this baby with me. Sometimes I think it's easier to grieve alone. My eyes hurt and it's only the first day of grieving.
If I didn't have my faith I would be much worse off. But even though I know where my baby is and that it's being taken care of, it doesn't help the loss I feel. The emptiness. The heartache. And I know my baby knows that I love it and will never forget it and that I'm sorry. But that doesn't ease my guilt.
We'll be having a tiny funeral. Bury it next to my brother's kitten so it won't be alone. I know the souls aren't there anymore. I know they've moved on to be with Jesus. But I also know it's a safe little place that won't be disturbed.
I wish I would have known if it was a boy or a girl so I could give it its proper name. Maybe I'll just call it Angel, since that is what it is.
Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?
It's not fair! I went through a lot to get this baby, and to not even get the chance to see this baby - Well that's not entirely true. I did get to see my baby. As I pulled its tiny little body from the toilet and put it in a cup, I did see the little toes and fingers and eyes all inside the protective sac. Protected from everything except my body. The body that was supposed to give it life. And instead killed it.
And it's not going to get any easier as I now get to tell all the people who were so happily anticipating this baby with me. Sometimes I think it's easier to grieve alone. My eyes hurt and it's only the first day of grieving.
If I didn't have my faith I would be much worse off. But even though I know where my baby is and that it's being taken care of, it doesn't help the loss I feel. The emptiness. The heartache. And I know my baby knows that I love it and will never forget it and that I'm sorry. But that doesn't ease my guilt.
We'll be having a tiny funeral. Bury it next to my brother's kitten so it won't be alone. I know the souls aren't there anymore. I know they've moved on to be with Jesus. But I also know it's a safe little place that won't be disturbed.
I wish I would have known if it was a boy or a girl so I could give it its proper name. Maybe I'll just call it Angel, since that is what it is.
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