I'm not a cutter. I've thought about it. But it all comes down to me being a wuss.
Talking to people today has brought up different opinions. I don't feel like I'm being acted upon by my negative emotions, which is usually what's behind my erratic behavior. I know I've gone through a lot lately, but I don't feel that's what's going on here.
One friend says it's the devil. And that's most likely.
One thinks it could be my circumstances, the Borderline in me. And that's very possible.
But I've felt both of those before. I know what they feel like. This doesn't feel the same. At all.
I'm so full of her. She's beautiful and vibrant, adventurous . . . everything I'm not. I want to know everything about her. Including the things I shouldn't want to know about her.
And, yes, I feel guilty. Guilty that I have these bad thoughts about her and she doesn't even know, can't do anything about it. I feel guilty that this goes against everything I've ever been taught and everything I believe to be true. And I feel guilty that I'm choosing it. I know there are things I could do to help myself, to help me not think about her; but I don't want to. I'm choosing sin.
I love thinking about her. I love looking at her. If one moment in my life had not happened, I would not know her. But I did miscarry, so I played volleyball this season. And found her. Part of me believes in fate. And she makes me happy. I'm attracted to her in all ways. Not that anything will ever come of this. As I've told people, it's not like I can even manage to squeak out a "hi". I can't even ask her to try make-up, which she doesn't need!, so it's not like I'll be propositioning her.
And as happy as she makes me, I feel despair. What if I never saw her again? What if she found out and said "hell no"? I rarely think I'm pretty. I know she sees the same face I do when I look in the mirror. She can see my body. Why would she want any part of me? It hurts. And it's these times that I contemplate cutting myself.
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