people just don't understand

and have always assumed I'm stuck up.  When really it's just that I'm shy and awkward around people.  I never know what to say.  And some people make my brain just close down all together.  And that sucks.  I just want to be able to talk to her.  I wish I knew what to say.  I'm tired of this fear gripping me, wrapping around me so tight, until I look like I don't want to have anything to do with her, which is the furthest thing from my mind.
I don't feel like I have anything to offer her, either.  She has friends, so she doesn't need that from me.  Probably wouldn't want it, either.  She doesn't need makeup, so work is out.  And she doesn't need love.  I'm sure there are already plenty of people who love her, aside from her family.  She has no need of me.
Last night was absolutely fantastic!  And yet, I still couldn't say anything to her.
Of course I'm crying right now and feeling lame and pathetic.  If I had a tenth of my mom's talking ability I could be okay.  But I don't even have a hundredth.  I know I'm going to start shaking soon.  Knowing I'll be around her.
And she is beautiful.

I'll start off by saying -

I'm not a cutter.  I've thought about it.  But it all comes down to me being a wuss.
Talking to people today has brought up different opinions.  I don't feel like I'm being acted upon by my negative emotions, which is usually what's behind my erratic behavior.  I know I've gone through a lot lately, but I don't feel that's what's going on here.
One friend says it's the devil.  And that's most likely. 
One thinks it could be my circumstances, the Borderline in me.  And that's very possible.
But I've felt both of those before.  I know what they feel like.  This doesn't feel the same.  At all.
I'm so full of her.  She's beautiful and vibrant, adventurous . . . everything I'm not.  I want to know everything about her.  Including the things I shouldn't want to know about her.
And, yes, I feel guilty.  Guilty that I have these bad thoughts about her and she doesn't even know, can't do anything about it.  I feel guilty that this goes against everything I've ever been taught and everything I believe to be true.  And I feel guilty that I'm choosing it.  I know there are things I could do to help myself, to help me not think about her; but I don't want to.  I'm choosing sin.
I love thinking about her.  I love looking at her.  If one moment in my life had not happened, I would not know her.  But I did miscarry, so I played volleyball this season.  And found her.  Part of me believes in fate.  And she makes me happy.  I'm attracted to her in all ways.  Not that anything will ever come of this.  As I've told people, it's not like I can even manage to squeak out a "hi".  I can't even ask her to try make-up, which she doesn't need!, so it's not like I'll be propositioning her.
And as happy as she makes me, I feel despair.  What if I never saw her again?  What if she found out and said "hell no"?  I rarely think I'm pretty.  I know she sees the same face I do when I look in the mirror.  She can see my body.  Why would she want any part of me?  It hurts.  And it's these times that I contemplate cutting myself.

an interesting year

indeed.  I would have never expected the changes in myself or my husband or our family dynamic.  From something horrible to something really bad to something that I can't yet define.  But it's good!
And I love her.  Something I would have told you would never happen.  COULD NEVER happen.  Good, church-going, Mormon girls don't love other girls.  They don't fantasize and want to do naughty things with them, either.  But I do.  And to answer the question - if I had the chance to even be with her, I would take it.  Even if that meant hell.  I can't explain it.  I couldn't if I tried.
But she would have to want me and that is something I don't hold my breath for.  Why would she?
But I hold out a little hope.  And have decided to change my life.  TO go back to things I used to do, things I used to enjoy.  I used to like riding my brother's bike.  I used to be good at running.  I'm tired of being the fat blob that I am.  I want to keep my hourglass figure, just make it smaller.  I used to be skinny.  I can be that again.  It will just take self-discipline.  And she's worth it.  She's worth everything good.  And that also keeps me torn.  DO I really wish hell for her just so I can be with her?  How can I say I love her and condemn her to that?
I'm selfish.  And saying I love her doesn't make it any more okay.  But I do anyway ♥

something new

It's my fault my life is new.  And it's not a good or bad thing, necessarily.  I guess you never really know someone until you change and find out if that's ok or not.  My change doesn't sit well with me.  It started out with confessions, things I wasn't sure would be ok, and has spiraled out of control since.  Not sure if we like each other anymore.  Not sure what to expect from this, either.  It doesn't matter which road I take, I will end up disappointing someone.  Not that this is anything new, but I'm tired of it.  It's not like the main part of it would ever happen.  It's dictated by someone who doesn't even know what game they're playing.  I don't confess to any thought you might have about what I'm talking about.  It's mine to figure out now.  Even in no-win situations, you still have to play the game.  I wish I was more like Capt. Kirk - "I don't believe in no-win situations."
So as I step through the door, I have no clue what will be waiting for me on the other side: HELL or lonely.

original

October 2-4 was when I should have been expecting my baby.  I'm trying to keep myself busy, but that doesn't keep my mind from creeping back to what should be going on in my life right now.  I shouldn't be playing volleyball this season because I'm supposed to be too pregnant to play and it would be dangerous.  I would gladly sit out this season for my baby.  I went to a Scentsy party.  I shouldn't have been able to go, I should have been in labor.  I shouldn't be going to the zoo with my family tomorrow, I should be in the hospital loving my new baby.  Everyone around me is having babies and I'm happy for them, but I want to be happy for me.  And I know I've said it before, but it's not fair!
Will there come a day that I don't think about my angel?  I hope not.  But I hope it doesn't always hurt like this.

tonight

I got to go to the soccer game.  Trying to “move on” with my life.  Not only does that thought make me sick, but it’s not possible.  There’s no way to just move on, it’s just living differently, knowing nothing will ever be the same again.  Not really.  Even now that we’re back to our regular pattern, it’s different.  Tonight, a dad was carrying his cute daughter up the bleachers.  I cried.  That will never happen for us.  I miss my little girl.  I know I talk to her, but I want her to be here with me.  I want to be able to hold her.  I will never be the same.

i just don't know

where to begin.  I feel sad.  I feel so much more but I don't know how to put it down.  Monday night was the worst night of my life to date.  I lost my baby after ten weeks of bonding.  But those ten weeks were enough.  There are so many things I didn't know about this little person that I was looking forward to spending my life finding out and now I don't get that chance.
Was it my fault?  Did I do something wrong?
It's not fair!  I went through a lot to get this baby, and to not even get the chance to see this baby - Well that's not entirely true.  I did get to see my baby.  As I pulled its tiny little body from the toilet and put it in a cup, I did see the little toes and fingers and eyes all inside the protective sac.  Protected from everything except my body.  The body that was supposed to give it life.  And instead killed it.
And it's not going to get any easier as I now get to tell all the people who were so happily anticipating this baby with me.  Sometimes I think it's easier to grieve alone.  My eyes hurt and it's only the first day of grieving.
If I didn't have my faith I would be much worse off.  But even though I know where my baby is and that it's being taken care of, it doesn't help the loss I feel.  The emptiness.  The heartache.  And I know my baby knows that I love it and will never forget it and that I'm sorry.  But that doesn't ease my guilt.
We'll be having a tiny funeral.  Bury it next to my brother's kitten so it won't be alone.  I know the souls aren't there anymore.  I know they've moved on to be with Jesus.  But I also know it's a safe little place that won't be disturbed.
I wish I would have known if it was a boy or a girl so I could give it its proper name.  Maybe I'll just call it Angel, since that is what it is.