Little Angels

I just found out tonight that a gaming friend on facebook just lost her baby.  She was farther along than me, but I don't feel that really makes a huge difference.  When you lose your baby, it just hurts.  I know it's been just over a year, but it's bringing back thoughts and feelings.  On top of that, I'm starting to do my genealogy.  I know my mom won't put my baby on, but I'm going to.  I'm not looking forward to the fight that might come up because of it.  But I gave birth to a body, and I buried it.  She counts in my records.

WHY?

Why am I so not motivated?  I can't expect results without action.  Starting with cleaning my house and cleaning up my life.  How can I function when I can't find anything?
Today was a BLAH day that made me want a redo.  I'm tired of these kinds of days.  I need to control what I can and change.  Time for a plan of action.  Time to get structured again.  Since being married, I've kind of just let life go.  And now I'm fat and lazy.  UGH!  No wonder . . . !

one weird year

coming to an end.  And a new one opening up all its possibilities to me.  Kind of exciting to see what I can do in one year.  After learning new things about myself at the end of this year, what will I do about it in the coming one?
I have no resolutions written down on paper, just my mind.  I didn't buy exercise clothes to not use them.  I didn't buy inventory for work to not sell it.  I didn't accept a new part of me not to act on it.  Do I have the guts to change?  DO I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL?
Why not.
There's no reason for me not to say - ME TOO!  Just go out and grab it.  It's there waiting for me.  Life is possible!
I will end this sad year on a "possible" vibe, ready for tomorrow.  Bring It On!

people just don't understand

and have always assumed I'm stuck up.  When really it's just that I'm shy and awkward around people.  I never know what to say.  And some people make my brain just close down all together.  And that sucks.  I just want to be able to talk to her.  I wish I knew what to say.  I'm tired of this fear gripping me, wrapping around me so tight, until I look like I don't want to have anything to do with her, which is the furthest thing from my mind.
I don't feel like I have anything to offer her, either.  She has friends, so she doesn't need that from me.  Probably wouldn't want it, either.  She doesn't need makeup, so work is out.  And she doesn't need love.  I'm sure there are already plenty of people who love her, aside from her family.  She has no need of me.
Last night was absolutely fantastic!  And yet, I still couldn't say anything to her.
Of course I'm crying right now and feeling lame and pathetic.  If I had a tenth of my mom's talking ability I could be okay.  But I don't even have a hundredth.  I know I'm going to start shaking soon.  Knowing I'll be around her.
And she is beautiful.

I'll start off by saying -

I'm not a cutter.  I've thought about it.  But it all comes down to me being a wuss.
Talking to people today has brought up different opinions.  I don't feel like I'm being acted upon by my negative emotions, which is usually what's behind my erratic behavior.  I know I've gone through a lot lately, but I don't feel that's what's going on here.
One friend says it's the devil.  And that's most likely. 
One thinks it could be my circumstances, the Borderline in me.  And that's very possible.
But I've felt both of those before.  I know what they feel like.  This doesn't feel the same.  At all.
I'm so full of her.  She's beautiful and vibrant, adventurous . . . everything I'm not.  I want to know everything about her.  Including the things I shouldn't want to know about her.
And, yes, I feel guilty.  Guilty that I have these bad thoughts about her and she doesn't even know, can't do anything about it.  I feel guilty that this goes against everything I've ever been taught and everything I believe to be true.  And I feel guilty that I'm choosing it.  I know there are things I could do to help myself, to help me not think about her; but I don't want to.  I'm choosing sin.
I love thinking about her.  I love looking at her.  If one moment in my life had not happened, I would not know her.  But I did miscarry, so I played volleyball this season.  And found her.  Part of me believes in fate.  And she makes me happy.  I'm attracted to her in all ways.  Not that anything will ever come of this.  As I've told people, it's not like I can even manage to squeak out a "hi".  I can't even ask her to try make-up, which she doesn't need!, so it's not like I'll be propositioning her.
And as happy as she makes me, I feel despair.  What if I never saw her again?  What if she found out and said "hell no"?  I rarely think I'm pretty.  I know she sees the same face I do when I look in the mirror.  She can see my body.  Why would she want any part of me?  It hurts.  And it's these times that I contemplate cutting myself.

an interesting year

indeed.  I would have never expected the changes in myself or my husband or our family dynamic.  From something horrible to something really bad to something that I can't yet define.  But it's good!
And I love her.  Something I would have told you would never happen.  COULD NEVER happen.  Good, church-going, Mormon girls don't love other girls.  They don't fantasize and want to do naughty things with them, either.  But I do.  And to answer the question - if I had the chance to even be with her, I would take it.  Even if that meant hell.  I can't explain it.  I couldn't if I tried.
But she would have to want me and that is something I don't hold my breath for.  Why would she?
But I hold out a little hope.  And have decided to change my life.  TO go back to things I used to do, things I used to enjoy.  I used to like riding my brother's bike.  I used to be good at running.  I'm tired of being the fat blob that I am.  I want to keep my hourglass figure, just make it smaller.  I used to be skinny.  I can be that again.  It will just take self-discipline.  And she's worth it.  She's worth everything good.  And that also keeps me torn.  DO I really wish hell for her just so I can be with her?  How can I say I love her and condemn her to that?
I'm selfish.  And saying I love her doesn't make it any more okay.  But I do anyway ♥

something new

It's my fault my life is new.  And it's not a good or bad thing, necessarily.  I guess you never really know someone until you change and find out if that's ok or not.  My change doesn't sit well with me.  It started out with confessions, things I wasn't sure would be ok, and has spiraled out of control since.  Not sure if we like each other anymore.  Not sure what to expect from this, either.  It doesn't matter which road I take, I will end up disappointing someone.  Not that this is anything new, but I'm tired of it.  It's not like the main part of it would ever happen.  It's dictated by someone who doesn't even know what game they're playing.  I don't confess to any thought you might have about what I'm talking about.  It's mine to figure out now.  Even in no-win situations, you still have to play the game.  I wish I was more like Capt. Kirk - "I don't believe in no-win situations."
So as I step through the door, I have no clue what will be waiting for me on the other side: HELL or lonely.