indeed. I would have never expected the changes in myself or my husband or our family dynamic. From something horrible to something really bad to something that I can't yet define. But it's good!
And I love her. Something I would have told you would never happen. COULD NEVER happen. Good, church-going, Mormon girls don't love other girls. They don't fantasize and want to do naughty things with them, either. But I do. And to answer the question - if I had the chance to even be with her, I would take it. Even if that meant hell. I can't explain it. I couldn't if I tried.
But she would have to want me and that is something I don't hold my breath for. Why would she?
But I hold out a little hope. And have decided to change my life. TO go back to things I used to do, things I used to enjoy. I used to like riding my brother's bike. I used to be good at running. I'm tired of being the fat blob that I am. I want to keep my hourglass figure, just make it smaller. I used to be skinny. I can be that again. It will just take self-discipline. And she's worth it. She's worth everything good. And that also keeps me torn. DO I really wish hell for her just so I can be with her? How can I say I love her and condemn her to that?
I'm selfish. And saying I love her doesn't make it any more okay. But I do anyway ♥
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