Wednesday, March 16, 2011
tonight
I got to go to the soccer game. Trying to “move on” with my life. Not only does that thought make me sick, but it’s not possible. There’s no way to just move on, it’s just living differently, knowing nothing will ever be the same again. Not really. Even now that we’re back to our regular pattern, it’s different. Tonight, a dad was carrying his cute daughter up the bleachers. I cried. That will never happen for us. I miss my little girl. I know I talk to her, but I want her to be here with me. I want to be able to hold her. I will never be the same.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
i just don't know
where to begin. I feel sad. I feel so much more but I don't know how to put it down. Monday night was the worst night of my life to date. I lost my baby after ten weeks of bonding. But those ten weeks were enough. There are so many things I didn't know about this little person that I was looking forward to spending my life finding out and now I don't get that chance.
Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?
It's not fair! I went through a lot to get this baby, and to not even get the chance to see this baby - Well that's not entirely true. I did get to see my baby. As I pulled its tiny little body from the toilet and put it in a cup, I did see the little toes and fingers and eyes all inside the protective sac. Protected from everything except my body. The body that was supposed to give it life. And instead killed it.
And it's not going to get any easier as I now get to tell all the people who were so happily anticipating this baby with me. Sometimes I think it's easier to grieve alone. My eyes hurt and it's only the first day of grieving.
If I didn't have my faith I would be much worse off. But even though I know where my baby is and that it's being taken care of, it doesn't help the loss I feel. The emptiness. The heartache. And I know my baby knows that I love it and will never forget it and that I'm sorry. But that doesn't ease my guilt.
We'll be having a tiny funeral. Bury it next to my brother's kitten so it won't be alone. I know the souls aren't there anymore. I know they've moved on to be with Jesus. But I also know it's a safe little place that won't be disturbed.
I wish I would have known if it was a boy or a girl so I could give it its proper name. Maybe I'll just call it Angel, since that is what it is.
Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?
It's not fair! I went through a lot to get this baby, and to not even get the chance to see this baby - Well that's not entirely true. I did get to see my baby. As I pulled its tiny little body from the toilet and put it in a cup, I did see the little toes and fingers and eyes all inside the protective sac. Protected from everything except my body. The body that was supposed to give it life. And instead killed it.
And it's not going to get any easier as I now get to tell all the people who were so happily anticipating this baby with me. Sometimes I think it's easier to grieve alone. My eyes hurt and it's only the first day of grieving.
If I didn't have my faith I would be much worse off. But even though I know where my baby is and that it's being taken care of, it doesn't help the loss I feel. The emptiness. The heartache. And I know my baby knows that I love it and will never forget it and that I'm sorry. But that doesn't ease my guilt.
We'll be having a tiny funeral. Bury it next to my brother's kitten so it won't be alone. I know the souls aren't there anymore. I know they've moved on to be with Jesus. But I also know it's a safe little place that won't be disturbed.
I wish I would have known if it was a boy or a girl so I could give it its proper name. Maybe I'll just call it Angel, since that is what it is.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
poor me . . .
still unmotivated and now I'm sick on top of that. Last Thursday, I got a sore throat. Since then, it has gotten severely worse. Stupid holiday weekend prevented me from getting into a doctor until today. I hope they can do something for me, because I can't eat anything solid and even drinking/swallowing anything kills me. I can't even take pills to help with the pain because they would get stuck in my throat. It's gotten so bad it's affecting my ear, too. I'm miserable. I hope this doesn't affect my baby. I can't exercise because that would make me need to swallow. I've been afraid of passing this to my son and husband, but so far it only looks like Jameson's got a cold.
I hurt :(
I hurt :(
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
not good
since finding out I was pregnant, I've put on 11 pounds. UGH! I haven't changed my eating and I've been exercising more than I used to (which was nothing). So what gives? I guess I'll figure out something more next week. I wish I could get morning sickness and not feel hungry. I might have to go to the store and get some cup of soup and boca burgers. That way I can still eat but not take in very many calories. My goal is to lose weight this pregnancy.
I've been so unmotivated lately. My business isn't going anywhere, neither is my writing. I haven't been feeling up to anything. Not even going out and going shopping. I think I might be depressed. I don't like this feeling. It's all I can do not to just sit around and dream all day, but even the little I do is boring and meaningless. And my house is freezing! I don't dare change the heat for fear we'll go bankrupt paying for it. I hope I get over this soon and get back to myself.
I've been so unmotivated lately. My business isn't going anywhere, neither is my writing. I haven't been feeling up to anything. Not even going out and going shopping. I think I might be depressed. I don't like this feeling. It's all I can do not to just sit around and dream all day, but even the little I do is boring and meaningless. And my house is freezing! I don't dare change the heat for fear we'll go bankrupt paying for it. I hope I get over this soon and get back to myself.
Monday, February 7, 2011
so -
I haven't been very 'with it' on my blogging this past week and I'll go ahead and blame that on my husband who took a week off from work. My whole schedule has been crazy. On Friday, I found out I'm pregnant! YAY ME! We've been trying since my son was about 1. So I've been riding a high all weekend and it was capped off by my Packers winning the Super Bowl! I'm so happy right now!
I exercised this morning. Felt good to be active again and it will help the baby. Last time, I didn't have anywhere to go so I sat on my bed all day. UGH! I gained so much weight. Not this time, though! I'm going to be better. I did weigh in at 219, but considering what I ate last night and the fact that it's midday and not the morning - not too shabby. I'll give myself a break this time.
We're going to find out what sex the baby is this time around. If it's a girl, we already have a name, but we'd need to clear out the office to the basement so we could have a room for her, and if it's a boy, we need to pick out a name. My husband's VERY picky about the names - it's very difficult to find one that we both like. I've already compiled a list and even made them into a list of full names he can browse. Yeah, it'll be better and harder this time. My little man is used to all of mommy's time and I don't know how we're both going to handle this. Thank goodness for nine months! That's probably it for now. :D
I exercised this morning. Felt good to be active again and it will help the baby. Last time, I didn't have anywhere to go so I sat on my bed all day. UGH! I gained so much weight. Not this time, though! I'm going to be better. I did weigh in at 219, but considering what I ate last night and the fact that it's midday and not the morning - not too shabby. I'll give myself a break this time.
We're going to find out what sex the baby is this time around. If it's a girl, we already have a name, but we'd need to clear out the office to the basement so we could have a room for her, and if it's a boy, we need to pick out a name. My husband's VERY picky about the names - it's very difficult to find one that we both like. I've already compiled a list and even made them into a list of full names he can browse. Yeah, it'll be better and harder this time. My little man is used to all of mommy's time and I don't know how we're both going to handle this. Thank goodness for nine months! That's probably it for now. :D
Saturday, January 29, 2011
UGH!
so my weight hasn't changed. that's a good and bad thing. At least I'm not heavier. Weighed in this morning at 218.4. BOOOO! :(
On a better note, I've booked my first parties. I sell Mary Kay - started in December and haven't done anything with it. I've finally got something! And I did it all while wearing pajamas! YAY ME!
I got a little exercising done last night if you count dancing to Cher and Cherry Poppin Daddies. If nothing else, my son was amused by my dancing. He brought me his stuffed animals to dance with.
I feel it might just be a good day and it's only going to get better because my husband is off all next week! Of course, that means I have a chance to clean the basement and main floor. Cleaning - BOO! Cleaning because I'm getting a bigger water heater and having a Super Bowl/Rock Band party - YAY!! Now to figure out how much all that will cost. I also need carpet cleaning. Sad. But I love hosting parties!
On a better note, I've booked my first parties. I sell Mary Kay - started in December and haven't done anything with it. I've finally got something! And I did it all while wearing pajamas! YAY ME!
I got a little exercising done last night if you count dancing to Cher and Cherry Poppin Daddies. If nothing else, my son was amused by my dancing. He brought me his stuffed animals to dance with.
I feel it might just be a good day and it's only going to get better because my husband is off all next week! Of course, that means I have a chance to clean the basement and main floor. Cleaning - BOO! Cleaning because I'm getting a bigger water heater and having a Super Bowl/Rock Band party - YAY!! Now to figure out how much all that will cost. I also need carpet cleaning. Sad. But I love hosting parties!
Friday, January 28, 2011
opening
I'm going to post the opening of one of my stories. Any thoughts, critiques, opinions are welcomed. Let me know.
Dear diary~
I’m going to hell. If my past indiscretions haven’t secured that fate for me, then last night certainly did. Maybe I’ve already been punished. That’s what my mom thinks. “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Just like that - didn’t ask if I was ok or what happened. How was I supposed to know the plans if nobody told me what they were?
I was at my best friend’s birthday party. Her parents took in troubled teens. Mike was a few years older than me. He had regarded me with partial disdain for most of the night and seemed to enjoy my annoyance that he didn’t choose me out of all the girls there; just because I had dared respond to his criticism of my clothes. Of course, he changed his tune once everyone had either left or gone to sleep. We were the last two still watching the movie. I had switched seats to the lazy boy facing the TV. He came and sat in the one next to mine.
“Pringle?”
“So what, you’re talking to me now?”
“I’m sorry for being rude.”
“Fine.” I went back to the movie.
“Whatever.” He got up and left.
He liked me! I knew it. Guys just don’t get upset at girls they don’t like over stupid things. He was probably just trying to get my attention. He came back a little while later and stood behind my chair. He leaned down and whispered, “I really am sorry. Let me make it up to you. Do you want a massage?”
I didn’t think about it for too long. I know what I’d been counseled, and I knew that it was probably wrong to let a boy I didn’t even know touch me, but he was cute! I leaned forward a little and he put his hands on my shoulders. It felt really good. I stopped paying attention to things for a while and didn’t notice he’d started moving his hands to the tops of my breasts. I put my hands up to stop him from going any lower. He leaned forward and traced my ear with his tongue. I gasped. He sucked my earlobe, and then kissed down my neck. He moved back up to my mouth. I’d teased and played around with guys before, but never been kissed. It was an intense first kiss. The movie was ending when we stopped kissing. I asked him if he could drive me home. He said he wasn’t allowed a license and went to his room. There wasn’t a licensed driver and I thought I needed to be home, so I decided to walk. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a five and a half mile walk. It was late at night and I’d just had my first kiss, obviously my brain wasn’t working.
I’d probably been walking for an hour when a car pulled over and offered me a ride. I tried talking my way out of it. I could see he was a lot older than me, maybe in his twenties, and the car smelled of beer. He kept insisting he take me somewhere to eat and it seemed like he would follow me anyway, so I said yes. I didn’t want to get in the car, but I was tired. I told him to just take me to my house. It took about five minutes to drive what would have taken another hour to walk. He pulled into my driveway and turned to look at me.
“Thanks,” I said as I unlocked the door.
I tried to unbuckle my seat belt, but he held it together with his hand.
“Where’s the real thank you?”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for.”
Before I could respond, he pressed me against the seat and started kissing my neck and feeling me up. I tried pushing him off me to no avail. He let go of the seat belt so he could use both hands to continue the attack. I relaxed a little so he wouldn’t suspect anything and then quickly undid the seat belt. I pulled the door open and fell to the ground. I got up, slammed the door and ran to the porch. When I got inside, I immediately went downstairs to my room, praying my family was asleep. Unfortunately, my mom was still up. She took one look at me and said, “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Then she grounded me for two weeks for making her leave the house to come look for me. I guess I was supposed to stay the night.
I have NEVER felt so dirty in my life! I wish I could take a gun and kill him and then shoot myself!
Dear diary~
I’m going to hell. If my past indiscretions haven’t secured that fate for me, then last night certainly did. Maybe I’ve already been punished. That’s what my mom thinks. “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Just like that - didn’t ask if I was ok or what happened. How was I supposed to know the plans if nobody told me what they were?
I was at my best friend’s birthday party. Her parents took in troubled teens. Mike was a few years older than me. He had regarded me with partial disdain for most of the night and seemed to enjoy my annoyance that he didn’t choose me out of all the girls there; just because I had dared respond to his criticism of my clothes. Of course, he changed his tune once everyone had either left or gone to sleep. We were the last two still watching the movie. I had switched seats to the lazy boy facing the TV. He came and sat in the one next to mine.
“Pringle?”
“So what, you’re talking to me now?”
“I’m sorry for being rude.”
“Fine.” I went back to the movie.
“Whatever.” He got up and left.
He liked me! I knew it. Guys just don’t get upset at girls they don’t like over stupid things. He was probably just trying to get my attention. He came back a little while later and stood behind my chair. He leaned down and whispered, “I really am sorry. Let me make it up to you. Do you want a massage?”
I didn’t think about it for too long. I know what I’d been counseled, and I knew that it was probably wrong to let a boy I didn’t even know touch me, but he was cute! I leaned forward a little and he put his hands on my shoulders. It felt really good. I stopped paying attention to things for a while and didn’t notice he’d started moving his hands to the tops of my breasts. I put my hands up to stop him from going any lower. He leaned forward and traced my ear with his tongue. I gasped. He sucked my earlobe, and then kissed down my neck. He moved back up to my mouth. I’d teased and played around with guys before, but never been kissed. It was an intense first kiss. The movie was ending when we stopped kissing. I asked him if he could drive me home. He said he wasn’t allowed a license and went to his room. There wasn’t a licensed driver and I thought I needed to be home, so I decided to walk. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a five and a half mile walk. It was late at night and I’d just had my first kiss, obviously my brain wasn’t working.
I’d probably been walking for an hour when a car pulled over and offered me a ride. I tried talking my way out of it. I could see he was a lot older than me, maybe in his twenties, and the car smelled of beer. He kept insisting he take me somewhere to eat and it seemed like he would follow me anyway, so I said yes. I didn’t want to get in the car, but I was tired. I told him to just take me to my house. It took about five minutes to drive what would have taken another hour to walk. He pulled into my driveway and turned to look at me.
“Thanks,” I said as I unlocked the door.
I tried to unbuckle my seat belt, but he held it together with his hand.
“Where’s the real thank you?”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for.”
Before I could respond, he pressed me against the seat and started kissing my neck and feeling me up. I tried pushing him off me to no avail. He let go of the seat belt so he could use both hands to continue the attack. I relaxed a little so he wouldn’t suspect anything and then quickly undid the seat belt. I pulled the door open and fell to the ground. I got up, slammed the door and ran to the porch. When I got inside, I immediately went downstairs to my room, praying my family was asleep. Unfortunately, my mom was still up. She took one look at me and said, “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Then she grounded me for two weeks for making her leave the house to come look for me. I guess I was supposed to stay the night.
I have NEVER felt so dirty in my life! I wish I could take a gun and kill him and then shoot myself!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)