still unmotivated and now I'm sick on top of that. Last Thursday, I got a sore throat. Since then, it has gotten severely worse. Stupid holiday weekend prevented me from getting into a doctor until today. I hope they can do something for me, because I can't eat anything solid and even drinking/swallowing anything kills me. I can't even take pills to help with the pain because they would get stuck in my throat. It's gotten so bad it's affecting my ear, too. I'm miserable. I hope this doesn't affect my baby. I can't exercise because that would make me need to swallow. I've been afraid of passing this to my son and husband, but so far it only looks like Jameson's got a cold.
I hurt :(
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
not good
since finding out I was pregnant, I've put on 11 pounds. UGH! I haven't changed my eating and I've been exercising more than I used to (which was nothing). So what gives? I guess I'll figure out something more next week. I wish I could get morning sickness and not feel hungry. I might have to go to the store and get some cup of soup and boca burgers. That way I can still eat but not take in very many calories. My goal is to lose weight this pregnancy.
I've been so unmotivated lately. My business isn't going anywhere, neither is my writing. I haven't been feeling up to anything. Not even going out and going shopping. I think I might be depressed. I don't like this feeling. It's all I can do not to just sit around and dream all day, but even the little I do is boring and meaningless. And my house is freezing! I don't dare change the heat for fear we'll go bankrupt paying for it. I hope I get over this soon and get back to myself.
I've been so unmotivated lately. My business isn't going anywhere, neither is my writing. I haven't been feeling up to anything. Not even going out and going shopping. I think I might be depressed. I don't like this feeling. It's all I can do not to just sit around and dream all day, but even the little I do is boring and meaningless. And my house is freezing! I don't dare change the heat for fear we'll go bankrupt paying for it. I hope I get over this soon and get back to myself.
Monday, February 7, 2011
so -
I haven't been very 'with it' on my blogging this past week and I'll go ahead and blame that on my husband who took a week off from work. My whole schedule has been crazy. On Friday, I found out I'm pregnant! YAY ME! We've been trying since my son was about 1. So I've been riding a high all weekend and it was capped off by my Packers winning the Super Bowl! I'm so happy right now!
I exercised this morning. Felt good to be active again and it will help the baby. Last time, I didn't have anywhere to go so I sat on my bed all day. UGH! I gained so much weight. Not this time, though! I'm going to be better. I did weigh in at 219, but considering what I ate last night and the fact that it's midday and not the morning - not too shabby. I'll give myself a break this time.
We're going to find out what sex the baby is this time around. If it's a girl, we already have a name, but we'd need to clear out the office to the basement so we could have a room for her, and if it's a boy, we need to pick out a name. My husband's VERY picky about the names - it's very difficult to find one that we both like. I've already compiled a list and even made them into a list of full names he can browse. Yeah, it'll be better and harder this time. My little man is used to all of mommy's time and I don't know how we're both going to handle this. Thank goodness for nine months! That's probably it for now. :D
I exercised this morning. Felt good to be active again and it will help the baby. Last time, I didn't have anywhere to go so I sat on my bed all day. UGH! I gained so much weight. Not this time, though! I'm going to be better. I did weigh in at 219, but considering what I ate last night and the fact that it's midday and not the morning - not too shabby. I'll give myself a break this time.
We're going to find out what sex the baby is this time around. If it's a girl, we already have a name, but we'd need to clear out the office to the basement so we could have a room for her, and if it's a boy, we need to pick out a name. My husband's VERY picky about the names - it's very difficult to find one that we both like. I've already compiled a list and even made them into a list of full names he can browse. Yeah, it'll be better and harder this time. My little man is used to all of mommy's time and I don't know how we're both going to handle this. Thank goodness for nine months! That's probably it for now. :D
Saturday, January 29, 2011
UGH!
so my weight hasn't changed. that's a good and bad thing. At least I'm not heavier. Weighed in this morning at 218.4. BOOOO! :(
On a better note, I've booked my first parties. I sell Mary Kay - started in December and haven't done anything with it. I've finally got something! And I did it all while wearing pajamas! YAY ME!
I got a little exercising done last night if you count dancing to Cher and Cherry Poppin Daddies. If nothing else, my son was amused by my dancing. He brought me his stuffed animals to dance with.
I feel it might just be a good day and it's only going to get better because my husband is off all next week! Of course, that means I have a chance to clean the basement and main floor. Cleaning - BOO! Cleaning because I'm getting a bigger water heater and having a Super Bowl/Rock Band party - YAY!! Now to figure out how much all that will cost. I also need carpet cleaning. Sad. But I love hosting parties!
On a better note, I've booked my first parties. I sell Mary Kay - started in December and haven't done anything with it. I've finally got something! And I did it all while wearing pajamas! YAY ME!
I got a little exercising done last night if you count dancing to Cher and Cherry Poppin Daddies. If nothing else, my son was amused by my dancing. He brought me his stuffed animals to dance with.
I feel it might just be a good day and it's only going to get better because my husband is off all next week! Of course, that means I have a chance to clean the basement and main floor. Cleaning - BOO! Cleaning because I'm getting a bigger water heater and having a Super Bowl/Rock Band party - YAY!! Now to figure out how much all that will cost. I also need carpet cleaning. Sad. But I love hosting parties!
Friday, January 28, 2011
opening
I'm going to post the opening of one of my stories. Any thoughts, critiques, opinions are welcomed. Let me know.
Dear diary~
I’m going to hell. If my past indiscretions haven’t secured that fate for me, then last night certainly did. Maybe I’ve already been punished. That’s what my mom thinks. “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Just like that - didn’t ask if I was ok or what happened. How was I supposed to know the plans if nobody told me what they were?
I was at my best friend’s birthday party. Her parents took in troubled teens. Mike was a few years older than me. He had regarded me with partial disdain for most of the night and seemed to enjoy my annoyance that he didn’t choose me out of all the girls there; just because I had dared respond to his criticism of my clothes. Of course, he changed his tune once everyone had either left or gone to sleep. We were the last two still watching the movie. I had switched seats to the lazy boy facing the TV. He came and sat in the one next to mine.
“Pringle?”
“So what, you’re talking to me now?”
“I’m sorry for being rude.”
“Fine.” I went back to the movie.
“Whatever.” He got up and left.
He liked me! I knew it. Guys just don’t get upset at girls they don’t like over stupid things. He was probably just trying to get my attention. He came back a little while later and stood behind my chair. He leaned down and whispered, “I really am sorry. Let me make it up to you. Do you want a massage?”
I didn’t think about it for too long. I know what I’d been counseled, and I knew that it was probably wrong to let a boy I didn’t even know touch me, but he was cute! I leaned forward a little and he put his hands on my shoulders. It felt really good. I stopped paying attention to things for a while and didn’t notice he’d started moving his hands to the tops of my breasts. I put my hands up to stop him from going any lower. He leaned forward and traced my ear with his tongue. I gasped. He sucked my earlobe, and then kissed down my neck. He moved back up to my mouth. I’d teased and played around with guys before, but never been kissed. It was an intense first kiss. The movie was ending when we stopped kissing. I asked him if he could drive me home. He said he wasn’t allowed a license and went to his room. There wasn’t a licensed driver and I thought I needed to be home, so I decided to walk. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a five and a half mile walk. It was late at night and I’d just had my first kiss, obviously my brain wasn’t working.
I’d probably been walking for an hour when a car pulled over and offered me a ride. I tried talking my way out of it. I could see he was a lot older than me, maybe in his twenties, and the car smelled of beer. He kept insisting he take me somewhere to eat and it seemed like he would follow me anyway, so I said yes. I didn’t want to get in the car, but I was tired. I told him to just take me to my house. It took about five minutes to drive what would have taken another hour to walk. He pulled into my driveway and turned to look at me.
“Thanks,” I said as I unlocked the door.
I tried to unbuckle my seat belt, but he held it together with his hand.
“Where’s the real thank you?”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for.”
Before I could respond, he pressed me against the seat and started kissing my neck and feeling me up. I tried pushing him off me to no avail. He let go of the seat belt so he could use both hands to continue the attack. I relaxed a little so he wouldn’t suspect anything and then quickly undid the seat belt. I pulled the door open and fell to the ground. I got up, slammed the door and ran to the porch. When I got inside, I immediately went downstairs to my room, praying my family was asleep. Unfortunately, my mom was still up. She took one look at me and said, “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Then she grounded me for two weeks for making her leave the house to come look for me. I guess I was supposed to stay the night.
I have NEVER felt so dirty in my life! I wish I could take a gun and kill him and then shoot myself!
Dear diary~
I’m going to hell. If my past indiscretions haven’t secured that fate for me, then last night certainly did. Maybe I’ve already been punished. That’s what my mom thinks. “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Just like that - didn’t ask if I was ok or what happened. How was I supposed to know the plans if nobody told me what they were?
I was at my best friend’s birthday party. Her parents took in troubled teens. Mike was a few years older than me. He had regarded me with partial disdain for most of the night and seemed to enjoy my annoyance that he didn’t choose me out of all the girls there; just because I had dared respond to his criticism of my clothes. Of course, he changed his tune once everyone had either left or gone to sleep. We were the last two still watching the movie. I had switched seats to the lazy boy facing the TV. He came and sat in the one next to mine.
“Pringle?”
“So what, you’re talking to me now?”
“I’m sorry for being rude.”
“Fine.” I went back to the movie.
“Whatever.” He got up and left.
He liked me! I knew it. Guys just don’t get upset at girls they don’t like over stupid things. He was probably just trying to get my attention. He came back a little while later and stood behind my chair. He leaned down and whispered, “I really am sorry. Let me make it up to you. Do you want a massage?”
I didn’t think about it for too long. I know what I’d been counseled, and I knew that it was probably wrong to let a boy I didn’t even know touch me, but he was cute! I leaned forward a little and he put his hands on my shoulders. It felt really good. I stopped paying attention to things for a while and didn’t notice he’d started moving his hands to the tops of my breasts. I put my hands up to stop him from going any lower. He leaned forward and traced my ear with his tongue. I gasped. He sucked my earlobe, and then kissed down my neck. He moved back up to my mouth. I’d teased and played around with guys before, but never been kissed. It was an intense first kiss. The movie was ending when we stopped kissing. I asked him if he could drive me home. He said he wasn’t allowed a license and went to his room. There wasn’t a licensed driver and I thought I needed to be home, so I decided to walk. I didn’t realize at the time that it was a five and a half mile walk. It was late at night and I’d just had my first kiss, obviously my brain wasn’t working.
I’d probably been walking for an hour when a car pulled over and offered me a ride. I tried talking my way out of it. I could see he was a lot older than me, maybe in his twenties, and the car smelled of beer. He kept insisting he take me somewhere to eat and it seemed like he would follow me anyway, so I said yes. I didn’t want to get in the car, but I was tired. I told him to just take me to my house. It took about five minutes to drive what would have taken another hour to walk. He pulled into my driveway and turned to look at me.
“Thanks,” I said as I unlocked the door.
I tried to unbuckle my seat belt, but he held it together with his hand.
“Where’s the real thank you?”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“That’s not what I’m looking for.”
Before I could respond, he pressed me against the seat and started kissing my neck and feeling me up. I tried pushing him off me to no avail. He let go of the seat belt so he could use both hands to continue the attack. I relaxed a little so he wouldn’t suspect anything and then quickly undid the seat belt. I pulled the door open and fell to the ground. I got up, slammed the door and ran to the porch. When I got inside, I immediately went downstairs to my room, praying my family was asleep. Unfortunately, my mom was still up. She took one look at me and said, “I suppose you got what you deserved.” Then she grounded me for two weeks for making her leave the house to come look for me. I guess I was supposed to stay the night.
I have NEVER felt so dirty in my life! I wish I could take a gun and kill him and then shoot myself!
bad
I've been bad about posting everyday. How am I supposed to keep with anything if I can't even keep up with recording my thoughts? Oh well. I've been out and about running errands and having lunch with friends while talking business, so I've been productive. I look good today which means I feel good. I've decided to grow out my hair. I've always liked it long and people seem to like it as well on me. SO it's not the trendiest hair style out there - NEWSFLASH - I'm not the trendiest person out there. It's time to make myself happy and hope people will support me in me. If I could get rid of the demons that haunt me from my past, I would. But a lot of it comes from asking forgiveness of others and I don't even know how to contact them. I need to just accept that I may not be able to tell them in this life. A wise man said recently (one of my cousins), "I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was a kid, but not anymore." Maybe I am ashamed, but they were things that happened when I was younger and not entirely in control of my emotions. I'm better now, than I was. Everyday I work on being better. It's not just going to go away, but as long as I recognize the triggers, I can be in control. And I have a husband who was and still is willing to help me. And friends who don't know it, but help me, too.
Anyway :)
Maybe I'll go for a walk later. I have CDs to pick up from the library.
Anyway :)
Maybe I'll go for a walk later. I have CDs to pick up from the library.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
for me
today is for me! I've been good, kept up with my exercising, even if I couldn't muster enough energy (or time) for a full workout. So I'm going to lunch. I'm going shopping. Maybe it'll just be window shopping, but that's ok. I'm getting out of my house today and I'm not going to worry about all the things that need to be done inside. For the past two days, I've woken up very early (for me) and I've been able to get more accomplished, I feel more productive. Maybe this is how it's going to be from now on. I need to start working my business, making it work for me. I need the money, I need the confidence, I need the sense of accomplishment. Working on stories I never plan on publishing is fun, but I can't spend all day looking at a screen and scratching my head. And maybe just maybe, if I pretend to be happy eventually it will happen. I don't know that I believe that, but it doesn't cost anything to try. Though I do have to admit I'm better now than I was even a few years back. I think losing weight will help, too, A LOT!
I did something stupid last night - I bought some fries on my way home from my Mary Kay meeting. At least I only got myself a medium, but I eat them with ranch. Not so good for the losing weight thing. I'll be better today. We're going to Chick-fil-A for lunch and I'll get the char-grilled chicken sandwich and a water.
Thanks to the people who read this and listen to me rant or just go on about nothing. :D
I did something stupid last night - I bought some fries on my way home from my Mary Kay meeting. At least I only got myself a medium, but I eat them with ranch. Not so good for the losing weight thing. I'll be better today. We're going to Chick-fil-A for lunch and I'll get the char-grilled chicken sandwich and a water.
Thanks to the people who read this and listen to me rant or just go on about nothing. :D
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