It's been a while

since I've complained on here, but since it's my blog, that's exactly what I'm going to do.  For unspecified reasons, I had to see myself naked at a weird angle.  But it showed me what other mirrors do not.  It showed me just how gross and fat I really am.  It made me cry.  You convince yourself you're not as big because you still have an hourglass figure or because you haven't had to go get new clothes, but the truth of the matter is, it's still fat and it's disgusting to look at.  It sickens me to think my husband has seen that.
The problem with losing weight for me is it doesn't come off.

1. I LOVE FOOD!
2. I don't like cooking.
3. I have to be meticulous about counting points and extreme in eating and exercising.
4. I'm lazy.
5. I like writing stories, not food journals.  Food journals keep me from eating because I hate writing it down, but then I just feel sick all day.

I have no energy.

1. How do you start when you never have the energy to do it?

I have a soon-to-be 4 year old.

1. He does not let me be alone, nor does he give me the room to kick my legs out.
2. I have no room.  Until I get my family room carpet torn up and the room fixed, I have nowhere to exercise inside.
3. I can't go outside.
4. It's too stressful to try and corral a 4 year old who has no sense of danger.

I have no schedule, so I have all the time to do it and yet no time to do it.  I know this is a problem for me, but I don't know how to fix it.  When things can't be implemented right away without causing problems, I'm not likely to do them.  And I know the things I do are stupid; I waste so much time during the day.  I think I have a permanent bruise on my butt from sitting in my computer chair all day, every day.

When you don't see immediate results, how do you maintain the motivation to keep going?  How do you know what you're doing is the right thing to be doing?  When you don't have the money for professional help or healthy food, how do you even start?

But I can't keep looking like I do.  I can't stand it.  And if I can't stand it, I don't know how other people can.  I don't want to go out in public.  I never thought I was pretty to begin with and now with all the extra weight I "just gained", how do I go out into the world?

This is a picture of me last year.  This is unacceptable!  I know how to dress my body so I don't look as fat as I really am.  But I want to look good naked.
There are so many good things that will happen to me when I lose the weight.  I just need the motivation for what I want in the future instead of for what I want right now.

Despair

I don't understand this despair I feel.  I sit and cry and don't know why.  The tears run down my face and there's no reason my conscious mind can come up with.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!
I'm feeling crazy again.  Like I might do something spontaneous and possibly dangerous.  Or maybe I'll just go dye my hair.  I know this feeling/  I've been here before.  And it's not a good place.  It's gotten me into trouble in the past.  I thought I'd gotten beyond this, but since there's no cure, I guess it will always be a part of me - waiting.
Waiting to resurface.  Waiting to change my life.  Waiting to destroy me and any happiness I try to claim.

Little Angels

I just found out tonight that a gaming friend on facebook just lost her baby.  She was farther along than me, but I don't feel that really makes a huge difference.  When you lose your baby, it just hurts.  I know it's been just over a year, but it's bringing back thoughts and feelings.  On top of that, I'm starting to do my genealogy.  I know my mom won't put my baby on, but I'm going to.  I'm not looking forward to the fight that might come up because of it.  But I gave birth to a body, and I buried it.  She counts in my records.

WHY?

Why am I so not motivated?  I can't expect results without action.  Starting with cleaning my house and cleaning up my life.  How can I function when I can't find anything?
Today was a BLAH day that made me want a redo.  I'm tired of these kinds of days.  I need to control what I can and change.  Time for a plan of action.  Time to get structured again.  Since being married, I've kind of just let life go.  And now I'm fat and lazy.  UGH!  No wonder . . . !