Seriously Pissed, Ready to Rage

I mean, SERIOUSLY guys?! Where do you get the nerve! You don’t drug women! You don’t touch them without their permission! And you certainly don’t fucking rape them! I’m so livid right now! If I had the power to find him, I would torture him slowly! Maybe over the course of months, because poison would be involved. Boys and their little penis issues . . .

On a different note, just because a girl gives you her number and asks you to text her doesn’t mean she was trying to come on to you and get in your pants. I may have fantasized about it, but that’s all it was. I was just looking for a friend. If you would have cared to find out instead of dismissing me immediately. That dismissal triggered an eating disorder. I’ve never had one before. Clearly, if I wasn’t so fat and ugly people would like me better. I’m hideous right now. I don’t know if anything will change that, but we’ll never know until I lose the fat. I’ll probably never ask anyone to be my friend again, though. I don’t do well with rejection.

Especially when you don’t even have the guts to say something.

I really want to just see him so I can tell him he never needed to be overly friendly with me in the drive-thru or that Monday. He only needed to take my order. I always tip.

I kind of feel like everybody laughs about me behind my back. Like they think they know what’s going on and how pathetic I am and just laugh when I leave. Maybe I should just go apologize for giving out my number and asking for friends. I’ve probably had enough mocha in my lifetime anyway.

 

It's been a while

 and yet, nothing changes. I'm still the same loser I was before, only now - I'm alone. I now have two boys; one is 12, the other is almost 4. Those are the only boys I will ever have in my life, for the rest of my life.

And it's not like it's of my own choosing. I'm crushing so hard right now. And I would love to get to know him better. But it will never happen. I gave him my phone number and asked him to text me and he didn't. It's the first and last time I'll ever give someone my phone number. I feel like a complete loser. I'm pathetic. I know no one wants me. At this point, I'm only alive for my boys.

Apparently, I'm not worthy love. And at this point, I figure I'm not worthy of food, either. I have thought of starving myself to get thin or purging (more my style). Something has to happen. My husband didn't want me. I put on extra weight, that I couldn't get off, having our boys. So now, I'm a fat, single mom with two boys. And it's not like I have looks or personality going for me that would make someone overlook my weight. I'm so damn awkward it's sad.

I'm just so crushed and broken right now. I come home from work and sleep. I don't want to be awake because I just think about him. And it's painful.

It's been a while

since I've complained on here, but since it's my blog, that's exactly what I'm going to do.  For unspecified reasons, I had to see myself naked at a weird angle.  But it showed me what other mirrors do not.  It showed me just how gross and fat I really am.  It made me cry.  You convince yourself you're not as big because you still have an hourglass figure or because you haven't had to go get new clothes, but the truth of the matter is, it's still fat and it's disgusting to look at.  It sickens me to think my husband has seen that.
The problem with losing weight for me is it doesn't come off.

1. I LOVE FOOD!
2. I don't like cooking.
3. I have to be meticulous about counting points and extreme in eating and exercising.
4. I'm lazy.
5. I like writing stories, not food journals.  Food journals keep me from eating because I hate writing it down, but then I just feel sick all day.

I have no energy.

1. How do you start when you never have the energy to do it?

I have a soon-to-be 4 year old.

1. He does not let me be alone, nor does he give me the room to kick my legs out.
2. I have no room.  Until I get my family room carpet torn up and the room fixed, I have nowhere to exercise inside.
3. I can't go outside.
4. It's too stressful to try and corral a 4 year old who has no sense of danger.

I have no schedule, so I have all the time to do it and yet no time to do it.  I know this is a problem for me, but I don't know how to fix it.  When things can't be implemented right away without causing problems, I'm not likely to do them.  And I know the things I do are stupid; I waste so much time during the day.  I think I have a permanent bruise on my butt from sitting in my computer chair all day, every day.

When you don't see immediate results, how do you maintain the motivation to keep going?  How do you know what you're doing is the right thing to be doing?  When you don't have the money for professional help or healthy food, how do you even start?

But I can't keep looking like I do.  I can't stand it.  And if I can't stand it, I don't know how other people can.  I don't want to go out in public.  I never thought I was pretty to begin with and now with all the extra weight I "just gained", how do I go out into the world?

This is a picture of me last year.  This is unacceptable!  I know how to dress my body so I don't look as fat as I really am.  But I want to look good naked.
There are so many good things that will happen to me when I lose the weight.  I just need the motivation for what I want in the future instead of for what I want right now.

Despair

I don't understand this despair I feel.  I sit and cry and don't know why.  The tears run down my face and there's no reason my conscious mind can come up with.  WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!
I'm feeling crazy again.  Like I might do something spontaneous and possibly dangerous.  Or maybe I'll just go dye my hair.  I know this feeling/  I've been here before.  And it's not a good place.  It's gotten me into trouble in the past.  I thought I'd gotten beyond this, but since there's no cure, I guess it will always be a part of me - waiting.
Waiting to resurface.  Waiting to change my life.  Waiting to destroy me and any happiness I try to claim.

Little Angels

I just found out tonight that a gaming friend on facebook just lost her baby.  She was farther along than me, but I don't feel that really makes a huge difference.  When you lose your baby, it just hurts.  I know it's been just over a year, but it's bringing back thoughts and feelings.  On top of that, I'm starting to do my genealogy.  I know my mom won't put my baby on, but I'm going to.  I'm not looking forward to the fight that might come up because of it.  But I gave birth to a body, and I buried it.  She counts in my records.

WHY?

Why am I so not motivated?  I can't expect results without action.  Starting with cleaning my house and cleaning up my life.  How can I function when I can't find anything?
Today was a BLAH day that made me want a redo.  I'm tired of these kinds of days.  I need to control what I can and change.  Time for a plan of action.  Time to get structured again.  Since being married, I've kind of just let life go.  And now I'm fat and lazy.  UGH!  No wonder . . . !

one weird year

coming to an end.  And a new one opening up all its possibilities to me.  Kind of exciting to see what I can do in one year.  After learning new things about myself at the end of this year, what will I do about it in the coming one?
I have no resolutions written down on paper, just my mind.  I didn't buy exercise clothes to not use them.  I didn't buy inventory for work to not sell it.  I didn't accept a new part of me not to act on it.  Do I have the guts to change?  DO I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL?
Why not.
There's no reason for me not to say - ME TOO!  Just go out and grab it.  It's there waiting for me.  Life is possible!
I will end this sad year on a "possible" vibe, ready for tomorrow.  Bring It On!